One week

It has been one week today since he dumped me. One week of sadness, one week of heart break, one week of loneliness, and one week of missing him like crazy.

I know that him breaking up with me wasn't planned for a long time. When my parents were here two weeks ago, him and I discussed doing something together on the 4th, today. Maybe how I would go with him and his friends to a lake, even though I would have to leave early to dog sit tomorrow. He is now probably watching fireworks by a bonfire, having s'mores. I was supposed to be there next to him, oohing and aahing. With his arm around me, or maybe my hand on his leg and his hand on my hand. Instead, while he is enjoying the 4th with his friends at a beautiful place, I am watching movies. I'm about to watch my 7th in a week.

I thought I was doing okay this week. Everyone is impressed with my "strength". Good for them. I only appear strong. I only pretend that I'm not sad, lonely and still in pain. Because I am still all of those things. I shouldn't say I haven't been okay, I have been. But I have not been happy or even fine. I have been okay. There are just those moments that sneak up on you. Like yesterday, at the movie Sex and the City. I had just sat down, missed the first preview. The preview for The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 (LOVED the first one) started right as I was getting comfy. Amber Tamblyn's character said to Alexis Bledel's character, "why don't you trust your heart?", Alexis' character responding through tears, "because he broke my heart" or something to that effect. Two seconds, that is all it took, and I broke down. I started to cry, that real deep cry that makes my chin quiver, my chest get tight and my body shake. A preview, a 2 second long moment, and I lost it.

So sometimes I am okay. But not always, not most of the time. I am just taking it one day at a time, one moment at a time. And I will continue my appearance of "strength". Even though we all know that is a load of shit.

Comments

Girl of Approval said…
Ahhhh, dear girl. Strength is not in not feeling... it is in feeling and living through them. You are still here on this earth and are writing a blog. You are strong.

It is natural to cry, it is okay, it does not make you weak, it does not mean you are pretending to be strong. It just means you are feeling loss, that you are feeling.

It's okay. It will be okay. And you will be okay. Keep spinning with this world and time shall heal some of the wounds.
7/07/2008 2:53 PM
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