They're Not on My List

I see a therapist for Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), Panic Disorder and my various phobias (arachnophobia, agoraphobia, many ones without a name...), along with other things my therapist (both current and previous) think I have a touch of (OCD, PTSD). That is a loaded start to this post, but I talk about my endometriosis freely, but rarely talk about my other illnesses/disorders because they have to do with my mental health, and it's time to change that. 

I go to see my therapist about once a month. We talk about my highs and my lows. She gives me "homework" to work on my triggers. She reminds me to stop with the shoulds and to take deep breaths. Last week, she said something that is one of my favorite things she has taught me. When I was talking about my need to be liked and the guilt I carry and how I don't want to be judged, she asked me who's on my list.

Me: My list?
J: Yes, your list. The people whose judgment actually matters to you because they've earned it. Your parents? Your sisters?
Me: Yes.
J: A couple close friends?
Me: Yeah, there's a couple.
J: Good. Your list should be small. They had to earn their spot. So when you are feeling anxious that someone may be judging you, just ask yourself if they are on your list.
Me: Okay.
J: They're not on my list. What they think doesn't matter.
Me: They're not on my list. I like that. 

In the matter of one week, this advice has changed the way I think about things and has caused me to let go of so much judgement and anxiety. I was able to clean and organize my kitchen without all the shoulds and overwhelming anxiety that usually comes with it, because I was doing it for me and not because I was worried what others would think if they came to my place, only about those on my list. I cancelled plans with a first date that I was not as into as he was into me, the only reason I said yes was because of the guilt he was placing on me, but he's not on my list. I was able to finally let go of someone that I was letting control too much of my thoughts and making me feel so much guilt, but they're not on my list. Tomorrow my landlord is coming into my apartment for a bank appraisal and usually I'd be freaking out because they would see how I live, but besides the few things I do need to take care of because of leasing purposes, I don't care what the people see because they are not on my list. 

This is not to say that this one bit of amazing advice has alleviated all my anxiety, I am not sure it is possible to ever alleviate all of it for someone with GAD, but it has taken a load off my shoulders when it comes to others. 

They're not on my list. 

Comments

I like that. They are not on my list. I will try to remember that. Thanks.
Unknown said…
I also really like this concept of on my list/not on my list, too. It's along the same lines as one of my favorite Dr. Seuss quotes: "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." Thank you for sharing your unique journey with me!
Anonymous said…
I just started reading your blog again. this is a great post. Proud of you! Mom

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