Normal, schmormal

I am sitting on the front steps in this beautiful weather. I just got back from a walk, er, a stroll rather. I took my camera. I saw new life in bloom, bursting through buds. I felt the wind with each breath, breathing deep with every gust. I watched and listened as the water rippled down the stream. I hopped on Hopscotch and made sure to skip cracks so I didn't break my mother's back. Spring has always been my favorite time of the year. Plants and animals impress me, after the cold and the snow, they come back as beautiful as ever. They prove that adversity can bring beauty.

As I was walking, I could feel the excitement build with each flower in bloom, with each leaf busting through. New life excites me. But with the excitement was another feeling. One that I have felt for so long but could never put my finger on. One that followed me wherever I went, no matter how good times were. I found the word recently, anxiety. It is not depression, don't fool it with depression because I am happy. My life is going great. It is anxiety. It is worry. It is fear. Anxiety was with my excitement even on my stroll. It has always accompanied me, at least since college, maybe before. It is the tightness in my chest, the tears in my eyes, the deep breaths I need to take. Even on my relaxing walk. I wish I knew why it is always present.

On my stroll, I came to a walking bridge. It was blocked off due to repairs in progress. I crossed it anyway. There was this uncertainty of it holding my weight. It squeaked with each step. That is how I always feel. Like I am crossing a bridge that at any moment may give way. And I simply don't know why. If it is there when I go on a relaxing walk, if it is there when I am taking photos, then you can imagine that it is always there. If I can't make it go away then, I wonder how I can make go away at all.

And here's the thing, I am happy. It is even present when I am happy. The guy I mentioned in my previous post, we are going to have lunch together. I don't want to jinx it by talking about it before anything more than emails have happened, so I will save that for another time. But instead of excitement and glee, I am nervous and anxious. All that runs through my mind is "what if he just wants to be friends, what if he doesn't like me, what if he doesn't think I am as pretty as the other girls at work." I know that is normal to some extent... or is it? What seems more normal is just being happy that a guy has interest in me, whether as friends or as more. What seems normal is enjoying this experience after 5 years of being single. And I am enjoying this moment, but with anxiety over my shoulder.

I am taking the right steps to make this anxiety, this fear, this worry go away. Because I know it's not normal. First step, recognize it. And I do. Second step, realize that it has been here for a long time, and it has. Third step, talk to someone about it, and I am doing that in a couple weeks. But along with that comes the little things. Things I know I can do to assist in its disappearance. Say no. Tell my boss I can't work three nights a week. Check. Don't feel guilty. It's okay that I didn't go meet the family that wants me as a babysitter, they didn't email directions that I asked for and it's okay that I didn't answer the phone when they called. Check. Let go. Let go of worry, fear, pain. Check... well, check in progress. Admit that you may have a problem that is not under your control, and realize it is okay to ask for help and to let people know. Check.

And yet, through this all, with the anxiety ever present, it's okay. I'm okay. I am genuinely happy. I like my job, I love my co-workers. It is SPRING! I can enjoy the outdoors. I like living in Minnesota, I love living with my sister. I can travel whenever I want, which means more photos and more family and friend time. I met a guy that may like me, one that I hope will like all my quirks, and one that will hopefully think I am great and cute, even in my polka-dot shirt, rolled up jeans, Reef flip-flops, hair in a pony-tail and my film camera with my RMSP camera strap strung around my neck (that is how I looked on my stroll). Life really is good. And to be quite honest, I have never wanted to be normal anyway.