Not sure...

I don't get why bad things happen to good people. I don't get why bad people happen to good people. 
I am a good person. I never do anything with ill-intent. I respect others. I get to know a person by observing, so I know what makes them tick so I can respect who they are. I feel their pains and happiness, even if I am only an acquaintance. I wish well for everyone, no matter their plight or struggles. I care.
I make mistakes. I say the wrong thing. I speak too much. I struggle to connect and share too much. I am not a perfect human being. The mistakes I make are never done with malice or contempt or hate. They are just because I am flawed, as we all are.
I am struggling to understand how to get out of a bad situation. It is one I got in because I didn't follow my gut, which to do date has been 100% accurate on my first gut reaction of people. I just don't listen all the time. And now, here I am, not knowing how to handle it when someone is trying to pull me down.
I know …

Alone Time

Yesterday the head of the store had a status check in with all of his leaders. It was also a time for him to get to know us as he is new to our store. He asked me, "if I gave you a paid day off tomorrow, what would you do?" And I didn't hesitate to say, "Probably nothing. Just sit at home alone." He seemed a little shocked by that. "Nothing? Nothing at all?" I found myself skewing my answer a bit, "Or hang out with my niece and nephew." 
Why is it people think alone time is tragic and sad? Why is it seen as not normal? For me, it seems not normal to not have alone time. I love my alone time. I crave it. I'd say 90% of the time, I'd rather be alone than doing anything with anyone. Why is this so frowned upon in our culture? It seems to me, if you can't love your own company, how can you expect others to love your company?
But because of this, I do struggle with the idea of being in a relationship again. One day, I think I want the c…

They're Not on My List

I see a therapist for Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), Panic Disorder and my various phobias (arachnophobia, agoraphobia, many ones without a name...), along with other things my therapist (both current and previous) think I have a touch of (OCD, PTSD). That is a loaded start to this post, but I talk about my endometriosis freely, but rarely talk about my other illnesses/disorders because they have to do with my mental health, and it's time to change that. 
I go to see my therapist about once a month. We talk about my highs and my lows. She gives me "homework" to work on my triggers. She reminds me to stop with the shoulds and to take deep breaths. Last week, she said something that is one of my favorite things she has taught me. When I was talking about my need to be liked and the guilt I carry and how I don't want to be judged, she asked me who's on my list.
Me: My list?
J: Yes, your list. The people whose judgment actually matters to you because they've ea…


He's moved on. Less than 5 months later, he has moved on. The thing is, I think I would be okay with it and I think I would be happy for him, if I just didn't have to see it. But I don't really have a choice in that, because he moved on with someone from work. And I hate that. I am happy that he found someone that makes him happy. I just can't watch it. It's always the one that does the breaking of hearts that moves on first, I know that and I am trying to move on... but I just... I just hate that he doesn't seem to miss me. That is actually what I hate the most of it all. That he doesn't seem to care I am not in his life anymore. Not even the being with him, I didn't want that anymore, but... I just want to be missed. But I am not being missed. And that is the only part that hurts. So, in the mean time, I am listening to a lot of self help blogs and trying online dating again, and between all those things, I might, just might, get over the rejection. B…

Moving On

I am moving. Moving is incredibly exciting and incredibly overwhelming for me. I love the thrill, I love the change, but I hate the packing. I can't get myself to ever pack until the last minute, then I scramble to get it all done and get very little sleep. I would like to say that someday I will break this cycle, but I don't know if I would believe myself if I said that. I know this is the anxiety taking hold, I don't know where to start and I can't do it all at once, so I do nothing. I hate it, yet I expect it, so I know it will be this way. Oh well. I am who I am. 
I am also ready to make so many other changes in my life. I pretty much demanded a promotion at work for next year. I am emotionally mostly over my breakup, which is huge. I am going to my doctor's appointments and making new ones. I am ready to start eating healthier when I have a kitchen in a week. I am feeling good about the upcoming changes. I am ready. 
I get stir crazy every so often, I think that…


I don't really have much to say, but I feel like writing something. My posts have been short and far between, but I like that I am still writing. 
Despite a headache that is going on hour 30 and hip pain that is going on day 4, and knowing my aunt started chemo and some other unexpected health issues for a family member and a friend who is really struggling, I am still feeling pretty good about how my weekend has started. Maybe that is because I got 11 hours of sleep. Funny how sleep makes it so much easier to cope. If only my body and mind let me sleep more often than only when it is exhausted from not sleeping for days. I guess I will take what I can get.
Happy 4th.
I haven't slept much lately. There is just so much on my mind. 
My breakup is on my mind. It's been 2 months and we are friends and have been spending time together outside of work. And the longer we are separated, the more I know that we shouldn't be together, and the more I know how much I love him and miss him. It's complicated and confusing. 
My aunt was diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer, my dad's sister. That side of the family just hasn't had a good past few years with loss. I am remaining hopeful that she will beat this, I don't think any of us can handle another loss in our family. 
My boss is leaving at work. She got promoted and it is great for her and I really like her replacement, but she is the best boss I've ever had. And she's my friend. And I am just not ready for her to go. 
My insurance doesn't cover either of my doctors, so now I am trying to find a new internal med doctor, who in turn will refer me to my current ob/gyn. Be…