Monday, September 19, 2016

Rejection

He's moved on. Less than 5 months later, he has moved on. The thing is, I think I would be okay with it and I think I would be happy for him, if I just didn't have to see it. But I don't really have a choice in that, because he moved on with someone from work. And I hate that. I am happy that he found someone that makes him happy. I just can't watch it. It's always the one that does the breaking of hearts that moves on first, I know that and I am trying to move on... but I just... I just hate that he doesn't seem to miss me. That is actually what I hate the most of it all. That he doesn't seem to care I am not in his life anymore. Not even the being with him, I didn't want that anymore, but... I just want to be missed. But I am not being missed. And that is the only part that hurts. So, in the mean time, I am listening to a lot of self help blogs and trying online dating again, and between all those things, I might, just might, get over the rejection. Because I am over the relationship, but the rejection is a whole different story. 

Sunday, August 28, 2016

Moving On

I am moving. Moving is incredibly exciting and incredibly overwhelming for me. I love the thrill, I love the change, but I hate the packing. I can't get myself to ever pack until the last minute, then I scramble to get it all done and get very little sleep. I would like to say that someday I will break this cycle, but I don't know if I would believe myself if I said that. I know this is the anxiety taking hold, I don't know where to start and I can't do it all at once, so I do nothing. I hate it, yet I expect it, so I know it will be this way. Oh well. I am who I am. 

I am also ready to make so many other changes in my life. I pretty much demanded a promotion at work for next year. I am emotionally mostly over my breakup, which is huge. I am going to my doctor's appointments and making new ones. I am ready to start eating healthier when I have a kitchen in a week. I am feeling good about the upcoming changes. I am ready. 

I get stir crazy every so often, I think that is my gypsy soul. 

Saturday, July 02, 2016

Sleep

I don't really have much to say, but I feel like writing something. My posts have been short and far between, but I like that I am still writing. 

Despite a headache that is going on hour 30 and hip pain that is going on day 4, and knowing my aunt started chemo and some other unexpected health issues for a family member and a friend who is really struggling, I am still feeling pretty good about how my weekend has started. Maybe that is because I got 11 hours of sleep. Funny how sleep makes it so much easier to cope. If only my body and mind let me sleep more often than only when it is exhausted from not sleeping for days. I guess I will take what I can get.

Happy 4th. 

Friday, June 24, 2016

I haven't slept much lately. There is just so much on my mind. 

My breakup is on my mind. It's been 2 months and we are friends and have been spending time together outside of work. And the longer we are separated, the more I know that we shouldn't be together, and the more I know how much I love him and miss him. It's complicated and confusing. 

My aunt was diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer, my dad's sister. That side of the family just hasn't had a good past few years with loss. I am remaining hopeful that she will beat this, I don't think any of us can handle another loss in our family. 

My boss is leaving at work. She got promoted and it is great for her and I really like her replacement, but she is the best boss I've ever had. And she's my friend. And I am just not ready for her to go. 

My insurance doesn't cover either of my doctors, so now I am trying to find a new internal med doctor, who in turn will refer me to my current ob/gyn. Because god knows that after 20 years of going to doctors for endometriosis, there isn't a chance in hell that I will find another ob/gyn when I finally have a good one and one that believes me!

And then my other health issues, allergies, pain, bloating, headaches, anxiety, insomnia... I need to sleep. I want sleep. Yet, I'm not sleeping. 

Wednesday, June 08, 2016

...

Sometimes I wonder if I talk about my pain too much. Sometimes I wonder if I don't talk about my pain enough. I don't think anyone understands it. And I wonder if I talked about it more, then they would get it. Or do I talk about it too much and make people wish that I would just shut up? I don't know. It gets so frustrating that people don't get it. I wish instead of suggesting I can go on a walk that would require going uphill, they would just understand that would be too painful. Instead of always encouraging that exercise will help, realizing that I can't do it without being in so much pain later that I won't be able to walk at all, or if I can walk, I trip a lot or almost fall down stairs because the pain is too much. I just want someone to understand. I want someone that gets it. I know the pain isn't going away, so I want people to just listen and get it. But I don't know how to make that happen. I don't know if that ever can happen, not if they are pain free. Sigh. It is what it is. I am who I am.

Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Change

I need a change. New apartment? Yes. New job? Maybe. A dog? Hell yes! I am still toying with the ideas, but I need a change. I need it. 

Sunday, May 29, 2016

Humans

Why is it that in an empty room filled with tables, people choose to sit right next to the only table occupied? Is it a way to feel some sort of connection to people when you are alone? Me, I choose the table away from everyone. It's my way of hiding in public. Yet, I don't mind when someone chooses to sit near me. I may like to be alone, but I also like knowing that I am helping someone else feel less alone. Human nature is fascinating.