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WAIT and WONDER

It all started when I was 12 years old. That's when I got my period for the first time. Along with it came unbearable cramps. I was told that my sisters had bad cramps too, so I chalked it up to what a period was supposed to be like. It wasn't long before my dad would get a call once a month, every month, to come pick me up from school.

When I was 16, I finally went to a doctor. He told me and my mom that he thought it was endometriosis. He put me on birth control pills to help regulate the symptoms. I remember going to a friend's birthday party and trying to explain to my guy friend that I wasn't on them because I was going to have sex, that it was medical. I was embarrassed, so I stopped taking them after a month. I endured the pain for the next 2 years with prescription pain killers since over-the-counter meds did nothing for me.

When I was 18, I went back on birth control pills and left for college. And proceeded to try kind after kind after kind to find one that helped relieve some pain. I was given a prescription of Vicodin so I could attend my classes and work my two jobs. But all they did was knock me out, sometimes on my dorm floor because I was too out of it to climb up to my lofted bed. My roommate would put a pillow under my head and cover me up.

A month and a half before my 21st birthday, I decided to have laproscopic surgery. This gave me a confirmed diagnosis of endometriosis but also removed the growths causing the pain. But this all came along with major complications that left me in the hospital for 4 days and 6 weeks of recovery time. And I was also told that there is a very real possibility that I will never be able to have children. I was naive to think that this surgery would be an end to the pain. Recurrence rate after 1 year is 40%, 100% after 5 years.

Fast forward to age 26, the pain is back. I go to a doctor that recommends I get a hysterectomy. I find a new doctor. The next doctor is wonderful, but basically tells me I am running out of options. She has one more birth control option to try, but if that didn't work, I could get a shot that put me into temporary menopause. But it is temporary, the FDA only allows you to be on it for 6 months. And she asked me if I wanted children. I said yes, and she tells me to try as soon as possible. Having kids can help with the pain... but also, whatever chance I have of having kids cuts in half after the age of 30. The one birth control option was a new hormonal interuterine device. So I go for it, even though it isn't usually put in women that haven't had children. I endure the painful, uncomfortable procedure. And it works. I am pain free. For awhile.

I move to Helena a year into this 5 year treatment. Things are fine. Then the pain starts again. Only sporadically, and that still continues. I am given a prescription of Lortab to help deal, but I can't sleep when I take it.

Now I am 30 and over 4 years into the IUD treatment and I just get to wait and wonder. I get to wait until this IUD comes out. Wait for the pain to return, because I know it will. Wonder if it will be better or worse than before. Wonder what my other options will be. Can I put another one in? Can I afford it? What else can I try? Is there anything else to try? Will I be able to have kids? Am I already too late? Do I try to have kids on my own? I really can't wait forever for the right guy to along, I'm running out of time.

So for the next several months, I'll get to wait. And wonder. And wait. And wonder. Wait. Wonder. Wait. Wonder. Wait... Wonder...