Artemis

I need a change. New apartment? Yes. New job? Maybe. A dog? Hell yes! I am still toying with the ideas, but I need a change. I need it. 

Why is it that in an empty room filled with tables, people choose to sit right next to the only table occupied? Is it a way to feel some sort of connection to people when you are alone? Me, I choose the table away from everyone. It's my way of hiding in public. Yet, I don't mind when someone chooses to sit near me. I may like to be alone, but I also like knowing that I am helping someone else feel less alone. Human nature is fascinating.

Despite sleeping very little due to pain, I woke up (an hour early) with a pretty good attitude. As the day progressed, so did the pain. I reached the point of deciding whether moving the lower half of my body or not was even worth it and the pain clouded my head, causing me to forget things that happened and what I was doing. If you know the pain scale, I would say I fluctuated between a 7 to 9 all day. Yet, I worked all day, I was kind and pleasant to be around. And even though I told some I was in pain (and you could possibly tell by my walk that was extremely slow with a slight limp), the tone of my voice may not have sounded sincere in my level of pain. But that's how I live my life, trying to push the pain aside and not let people know and just live, because this is my reality. Sometimes I get annoyed with those that complain about pain or call in sick, because I want them to walk a mile in my (really cute) shoes; I used to be more sympathetic. Yet, I get over my annoyance,...

My physical ailments and anxiety issues give me reminders all the time of my strength. That was enough of a reminder though, I didn't need more things to prove it to me. Yet, a break-up was added to the mix. And once again, I am surprised by my strength in this too. I don't know sometimes if I want to be this strong. Sometimes I just want to break down and cry and throw a fit and be immature. I want to act like a 5 year old and stomp my feet. I act like the adult at work with superiors that act like children, even through a pain filled day. I act like an adult when I see his sad face and know that he is hurting too. I act like an adult when I feel a panic attack coming on, so I go hide in an office and let it pass so no one else has to figure out how to deal with me through this. A temper tantrum just seems so nice sometimes. If only children knew how hard it was to be an adult sometimes, we would never wish for it. Yet, I will stay strong. Because that's who I am. I don...

I don't do break ups well. Mostly because I don't know how to do them. I am sad, then okay, then sad, then lonely, then sad, then okay, then sad, then sad, then okay, then lonely. And then sad. I think that about covers it. Also, I don't like it.  That is all.