Artemis

I don't get why bad things happen to good people. I don't get why bad people happen to good people.  I am a good person. I never do anything with ill-intent. I respect others. I get to know a person by observing, so I know what makes them tick so I can respect who they are. I feel their pains and happiness, even if I am only an acquaintance. I wish well for everyone, no matter their plight or struggles. I care. I make mistakes. I say the wrong thing. I speak too much. I struggle to connect and share too much. I am not a perfect human being. The mistakes I make are never done with malice or contempt or hate. They are just because I am flawed, as we all are. I am struggling to understand how to get out of a bad situation. It is one I got in because I didn't follow my gut, which to do date has been 100% accurate on my first gut reaction of people. I just don't listen all the time. And now, here I am, not knowing how to handle it when someo...

Yesterday the head of the store had a status check in with all of his leaders. It was also a time for him to get to know us as he is new to our store. He asked me, "if I gave you a paid day off tomorrow, what would you do?" And I didn't hesitate to say, "Probably nothing. Just sit at home alone." He seemed a little shocked by that. "Nothing? Nothing at all?" I found myself skewing my answer a bit, "Or hang out with my niece and nephew."  Why is it people think alone time is tragic and sad? Why is it seen as not normal? For me, it seems not normal to not have alone time. I love my alone time. I crave it. I'd say 90% of the time, I'd rather be alone than doing anything with anyone. Why is this so frowned upon in our culture? It seems to me, if you can't love your own company, how can you expect others to love your company? But because of this, I do struggle with the idea of being in a relationship again. One day, I think I ...

I see a therapist for Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), Panic Disorder and my various phobias (arachnophobia, agoraphobia, many ones without a name...), along with other things my therapist (both current and previous) think I have a touch of (OCD, PTSD). That is a loaded start to this post, but I talk about my endometriosis freely, but rarely talk about my other illnesses/disorders because they have to do with my mental health, and it's time to change that.  I go to see my therapist about once a month. We talk about my highs and my lows. She gives me "homework" to work on my triggers. She reminds me to stop with the shoulds and to take deep breaths. Last week, she said something that is one of my favorite things she has taught me. When I was talking about my need to be liked and the guilt I carry and how I don't want to be judged, she asked me who's on my list. Me: My list? J: Yes, your list. The people whose judgment actually ...