Anxiety is a bitch.

I have been dealing pretty well with my anxiety. Or at least in my head I am. Then reality hits. I meant to take a yoga class on Wednesday, but I didn't go. I know a lot of people have problems with not wanting to exercise, I only wish it was that simple. Most people don't almost have panic attacks just thinking about going. I do.

I have been reading a book about controlling anxiety. It is crazy how much of my behaviors can be explained just by being diagnosed with this disease (that is what it is, I bet you are all jealous that you don't have two diseases like I do!). Procrastination for instance. To know me is to know I am the queen of procrastination. It made so much sense when reading the chapter about procrastination. I could have sworn that it was written about me. I figured out that there are reasons I procrastinate. I put things off because of fear of failure, fear of being overwhelmed, fear of being controlled by someone else, but the big ones, the big reasons I think I procrastinate are fear of success and fear of imperfection. Fear of success, what if I do so well that they expect more of me next time and I can't do it. That rings so true in all of my artistic pursuits. Fear of imperfection, the book says that this is the case if your motto is, "If some thing's worth doing, it's worth doing perfectly." That is what I have always said. Ask my family or old roommates about cleaning my bedroom, that is the line I always give. Perfectionism makes it so once I start the task, I can't stop doing it, it has to be done all at once, until it is perfect. So I avoid the task all together.

Then there is saying no. I can't tell people no. I say yes to things I don't want to do, then get so anxious and upset about it because I really didn't want to do it. And when I do say no, I have to give excuses, even if they are lies. The anxiety makes it hard for me to simply say "No." Why? I am worried what people will think of me, that they will think I am selfish, lazy, incompetent. I am worried I will hurt someone's feelings. Those are things everyone might worry about. But is bigger than that for me. I worry, "If I say no, she won't want to be friends with me anymore"; "If I say no, they won't ask me to babysit again when I would like to"; "If I say no, my boss will think I can't handle my job".

Those are just two of things I need to work on. Along with so many other things that come along with Generalized Anxiety Disorder with Panic, Arachnophobia and possible Agoraphobia (all things I was diagnosed with). There is the anger, the "What if" syndrome, the hard time making friends, only a few things that come along with this bitch of a disease I am dealing with.