I'm tired.

Today I am tired. Yesterday I was tired. Tomorrow I will probably be tired. I am just always so tired. I'd like to say it's because I don't get enough sleep or sleep poorly (which is certainly part of it), but this kind of tired doesn't get better with sleep. Chronic fatigue is a symptom of endometriosis. It is also a symptom of generalized anxiety disorder. Apparently when your mind can't turn off worrying and your body can't turn off pain, it makes you tired. All. the. time. 

I often think, "I don't have a reason to be this tired. I didn't run 10 miles. I don't have kids and a full time job. I am not a single parent. I don't work on my feet all day long. I shouldn't be this tired. Those people should be this tired." Yet, I am. Always. I am not sure there will ever be a way for that to change. Yoga, meditation, long bike rides. Sure, that will help me sleep and maybe even help turn off my mind. But it can't take away the exhaustion I will feel. That I will probably always feel. 

I know that sounds cynical, but I am not cynical, actually. I just need to be honest with myself because it's my only way to cope. I still get up in morning, go to work, spend time with my boyfriend, take care of my niece and nephew, play with Tom's nieces and nephew, drive places, color, do my dot-to-dot. After 22.5 years of this, you just get so good at pushing through the pain, pushing through the worry, pushing through the exhaustion. Because, after all, I still need to live. And living is all I can do with these diseases, because they're not going anywhere. 

Now it's bedtime. Because I am tired. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder"

I was always a bit skeptic of this phrase. How can being away from a person make you fonder? With time, you will slowly start to forget the sound of their laughter and the scent of their hair. You will forget the way they dance and the way they like their toast. Sure, when you see them again, when they laugh or dance, all those things come rushing back. Being away may make you yearn for them, but you no longer know them as well as you used to. At least that is what I used to think. I should have know this phrase was true since whenever I would see my sisters again, it was like no time had passed. I don't know what it was that made me realize all that I took for granted, maybe it is being away from home for so long or my travel mishaps or my friend's car accident or maybe just that I am getting older, something made me see how I took everything for granted in my life before I came here. It was so easy, I could go up the stairs or across the hall or get in my car and spend a day ...
Read more

I Heart The Office!

Image
My sister introduced me to the television show The Office . And I heart it. I saw Seasons 1 and 2 on dvd in the past week (I watched all of Season 2 between last night and today). The only problem now is that they are half way through Season 3, so I have missed several episodes and it won't come out on dvd until at least this summer... hmm, problem. But you want to know the one thing I heart even more than The Office ? Jim Halpert/John Krasinski (character/actor). He is on the show and I have a huge crush on him. I know what you are saying, you are 25 years old (turning 26 in 2 1/2 months) and crushes on famous people at this age is a little weird, and usually I would agree. It has been many years since I have had a crush on a star. But Jim/John is so an exception. In fact, if I could find a real life guy here in Minnecrap that looks like Jim/John, makes the same facial expressions, has the same sense of humor and is as nice, sweet and kind as him, so basically exactly like Jim/J...
Read more

All you need is love?

This is a question people have asked for a long time. Is it true? Is love all we really need? I think it would depend on who you ask. When it comes to young children, love is all you need. You know your parents love you and spend time with you, that is what is most important to a child. You don't understand the importance of money or work or health, all that matters is love. Maybe that is what is so appealing about childhood, why we would all do anything to go back, because we were innocent and love really was what made the world go round. As an adult, I now see things differently. Love isn't all there is, we need so much more. Some would say that makes me cynnical, but I am not. I want to believe that love is all we need and for the most part I agree with that statement, however I see that there is a lot more that goes along with love. As a parent, your role is not only to love, but to protect, comfort, support, provide, but common sense says that those things automatically go...
Read more