I'm tired.

Today I am tired. Yesterday I was tired. Tomorrow I will probably be tired. I am just always so tired. I'd like to say it's because I don't get enough sleep or sleep poorly (which is certainly part of it), but this kind of tired doesn't get better with sleep. Chronic fatigue is a symptom of endometriosis. It is also a symptom of generalized anxiety disorder. Apparently when your mind can't turn off worrying and your body can't turn off pain, it makes you tired. All. the. time. 

I often think, "I don't have a reason to be this tired. I didn't run 10 miles. I don't have kids and a full time job. I am not a single parent. I don't work on my feet all day long. I shouldn't be this tired. Those people should be this tired." Yet, I am. Always. I am not sure there will ever be a way for that to change. Yoga, meditation, long bike rides. Sure, that will help me sleep and maybe even help turn off my mind. But it can't take away the exhaustion I will feel. That I will probably always feel. 

I know that sounds cynical, but I am not cynical, actually. I just need to be honest with myself because it's my only way to cope. I still get up in morning, go to work, spend time with my boyfriend, take care of my niece and nephew, play with Tom's nieces and nephew, drive places, color, do my dot-to-dot. After 22.5 years of this, you just get so good at pushing through the pain, pushing through the worry, pushing through the exhaustion. Because, after all, I still need to live. And living is all I can do with these diseases, because they're not going anywhere. 

Now it's bedtime. Because I am tired. 

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