Artemis

I don't really have much to say, but I feel like writing something. My posts have been short and far between, but I like that I am still writing.  Despite a headache that is going on hour 30 and hip pain that is going on day 4, and knowing my aunt started chemo and some other unexpected health issues for a family member and a friend who is really struggling, I am still feeling pretty good about how my weekend has started. Maybe that is because I got 11 hours of sleep. Funny how sleep makes it so much easier to cope. If only my body and mind let me sleep more often than only when it is exhausted from not sleeping for days. I guess I will take what I can get. Happy 4th. 

I haven't slept much lately. There is just so much on my mind.  My breakup is on my mind. It's been 2 months and we are friends and have been spending time together outside of work. And the longer we are separated, the more I know that we shouldn't be together, and the more I know how much I love him and miss him. It's complicated and confusing.  My aunt was diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer, my dad's sister. That side of the family just hasn't had a good past few years with loss. I am remaining hopeful that she will beat this, I don't think any of us can handle another loss in our family.  My boss is leaving at work. She got promoted and it is great for her and I really like her replacement, but she is the best boss I've ever had. And she's my friend. And I am just not ready for her to go.  My insurance doesn't cover either of my doctors, so now I am trying to find a new internal med doctor, who in turn will refer me to my curren...

Sometimes I wonder if I talk about my pain too much. Sometimes I wonder if I don't talk about my pain enough. I don't think anyone understands it. And I wonder if I talked about it more, then they would get it. Or do I talk about it too much and make people wish that I would just shut up? I don't know. It gets so frustrating that people don't get it. I wish instead of suggesting I can go on a walk that would require going uphill, they would just understand that would be too painful. Instead of always encouraging that exercise will help, realizing that I can't do it without being in so much pain later that I won't be able to walk at all, or if I can walk, I trip a lot or almost fall down stairs because the pain is too much. I just want someone to understand. I want someone that gets it. I know the pain isn't going away, so I want people to just listen and get it. But I don't know how to make that happen. I don't know if that ever can happen, not if t...

I need a change. New apartment? Yes. New job? Maybe. A dog? Hell yes! I am still toying with the ideas, but I need a change. I need it. 

Why is it that in an empty room filled with tables, people choose to sit right next to the only table occupied? Is it a way to feel some sort of connection to people when you are alone? Me, I choose the table away from everyone. It's my way of hiding in public. Yet, I don't mind when someone chooses to sit near me. I may like to be alone, but I also like knowing that I am helping someone else feel less alone. Human nature is fascinating.

Despite sleeping very little due to pain, I woke up (an hour early) with a pretty good attitude. As the day progressed, so did the pain. I reached the point of deciding whether moving the lower half of my body or not was even worth it and the pain clouded my head, causing me to forget things that happened and what I was doing. If you know the pain scale, I would say I fluctuated between a 7 to 9 all day. Yet, I worked all day, I was kind and pleasant to be around. And even though I told some I was in pain (and you could possibly tell by my walk that was extremely slow with a slight limp), the tone of my voice may not have sounded sincere in my level of pain. But that's how I live my life, trying to push the pain aside and not let people know and just live, because this is my reality. Sometimes I get annoyed with those that complain about pain or call in sick, because I want them to walk a mile in my (really cute) shoes; I used to be more sympathetic. Yet, I get over my annoyance,...

My physical ailments and anxiety issues give me reminders all the time of my strength. That was enough of a reminder though, I didn't need more things to prove it to me. Yet, a break-up was added to the mix. And once again, I am surprised by my strength in this too. I don't know sometimes if I want to be this strong. Sometimes I just want to break down and cry and throw a fit and be immature. I want to act like a 5 year old and stomp my feet. I act like the adult at work with superiors that act like children, even through a pain filled day. I act like an adult when I see his sad face and know that he is hurting too. I act like an adult when I feel a panic attack coming on, so I go hide in an office and let it pass so no one else has to figure out how to deal with me through this. A temper tantrum just seems so nice sometimes. If only children knew how hard it was to be an adult sometimes, we would never wish for it. Yet, I will stay strong. Because that's who I am. I don...