Artemis

I am finally home. I got to Minneapolis yesterday afternoon. It feels good to finally be here. I have mixed emotions about the kids right now. It hasn't really hit me that I won't see them for a long time, right now it feels like a vaction. I am sure once I settle in, start making my room my own, then it will hit me. I do miss them. I am sitting at a coffee shop/deli/restaurant (not sure what to call it), checking my email and people watching. I am going to look at the newspaper for jobs. I walked here, which was nice, I am finally within walking distance to places. I am not sure where I am going with this, but I just wanted to let everyone know I am here. Soon I will be changing my blog, a new template for a new start, it just seems appropriate. So stay tuned.

It has come! My last day of work. Tomorrow morning I leave. Right now I am so excited. I am not even sad, the sadness comes in waves and right now is a wave-free moment. I am going home! I am going to live with my sister. I will get a new job. I get to go on a grand adventure halfway cross-country with my friend. It is here. I don't even feel overwhelmed by the fact that I still need to pack and clean. I feel euphoric. It is finally here. YAY!!!

Yesterday most of the jealousy had gone away. I liked the n.n. Baby S really liked her. S was at least talking to her. N.n. was talking more and I was actually enjoying her company. Today started well, but then all of a sudden, I started to feel competitiveness, not just on my part, but on hers too. It seemed like there was a competition going on about who could get Baby S' attention more, who got to hold her more, who got to wake her up and feed her and change her. I was really trying to not be like that, but I swear she was doing it too. I don't want to be like this. I really do like her. And I think she is doing pretty well. At least with Baby S. She already loves her, Baby S is easy to fall in love with. I am not sure how she is with S yet. She seems excited with the baby, but not so much with S. And everytime S asks her to do something, she does it quick and then passes it on to me and goes to play with Baby S. I hope that changes, I don't want S to lose the amount of ...

I am not a jealous person by nature. Everyone gets jealous sometimes, but I am not excessively jealous. Except for today. I can't believe how jealous I am of the new nanny (n.n.). S asked to switch seats with me at dinner because she wanted to sit by n.n. I moved, but inside I was boiling. N.n. was sitting by Baby S instead of me, so she was getting all the smiles, and I wanted to scream. Then the mother, L, was talking to n.n. more than she was talking to me. She was just trying to make her comfortable, but it was driving me nuts. And now, they are all watching a movie together with S sitting on n.n.'s lap. I was invited to watch, but I am going through my stuff and putting it in piles to pack. And I was steaming when I went up the stairs. Sure, S still gave me a hug and wouldn't let go before I left. And she was talking to me more than to n.n. And L was still including me in the conversation. I get that n.n. is probably extremely uncomfortable right now, I remember how it...

Six more sleeps. It is crazy how fast it got here. I am feeling so many things right now. Mostly excitment, I can't wait to live with my sister, see my family and friends. But I am also feeling sadness, I have already shed a few tears due to leaving the girls. And there is the jealousy. The new nanny is here. And I am trying not to be jealous because this is what I want and I know I am doing what I want, but it is still hard knowing that she is the new me. She is very nice and sweet. But you can tell she is completely overwhelmed. I talked to her for about a half hour and I think I told her too much info already. I didn't intend to, but I asked her questions and she gave short answers. And then there was silence, which made me uncomfortable, so I kept talking. I apologized for saying so much. Part of me wants to tell her everything that is important so she can handle this job better than I could. Part of me thinks she just needs to figure it out on her own. I need to find the r...

Things are getting harder. At least that is why I assume things are "bad" with the kids. It's just like what I do when I have to leave my family. I get angry. I pick fights. I know it is coming, so I try not to get angry, but I can't seem to help it. I guess it is my way of trying to make it easier to leave, although it doesn't work. I think that is what this is. The girls aren't being any worse than usual, but suddenly this week S has been on more time outs than she has in the past month and Baby S seems crabbier than ever. My guilt is building, I feel like I am abandoning them, especially Baby S. I am all she has ever known. And I can't stand the thought of someone new here to take my place in 4 days. I have to spend a week with her, watch her for a week taking over my job, having the girls love her and want her instead of me. And it seems torturous. I am still happier and as anxious as ever to get out of here, but I wish I could keep the baby as my own....