Artemis

He's moved on. Less than 5 months later, he has moved on. The thing is, I think I would be okay with it and I think I would be happy for him, if I just didn't have to see it. But I don't really have a choice in that, because he moved on with someone from work. And I hate that. I am happy that he found someone that makes him happy. I just can't watch it. It's always the one that does the breaking of hearts that moves on first, I know that and I am trying to move on... but I just... I just hate that he doesn't seem to miss me. That is actually what I hate the most of it all. That he doesn't seem to care I am not in his life anymore. Not even the being with him, I didn't want that anymore, but... I just want to be missed. But I am not being missed. And that is the only part that hurts. So, in the mean time, I am listening to a lot of self help blogs and trying online dating again, and between all those things, I might, just might, get over the rejection. B...

I am moving. Moving is incredibly exciting and incredibly overwhelming for me. I love the thrill, I love the change, but I hate the packing. I can't get myself to ever pack until the last minute, then I scramble to get it all done and get very little sleep. I would like to say that someday I will break this cycle, but I don't know if I would believe myself if I said that. I know this is the anxiety taking hold, I don't know where to start and I can't do it all at once, so I do nothing. I hate it, yet I expect it, so I know it will be this way. Oh well. I am who I am.  I am also ready to make so many other changes in my life. I pretty much demanded a promotion at work for next year. I am emotionally mostly over my breakup, which is huge. I am going to my doctor's appointments and making new ones. I am ready to start eating healthier when I have a kitchen in a week. I am feeling good about the upcoming changes. I am ready.  I get stir crazy every so ...

I don't really have much to say, but I feel like writing something. My posts have been short and far between, but I like that I am still writing.  Despite a headache that is going on hour 30 and hip pain that is going on day 4, and knowing my aunt started chemo and some other unexpected health issues for a family member and a friend who is really struggling, I am still feeling pretty good about how my weekend has started. Maybe that is because I got 11 hours of sleep. Funny how sleep makes it so much easier to cope. If only my body and mind let me sleep more often than only when it is exhausted from not sleeping for days. I guess I will take what I can get. Happy 4th. 

I haven't slept much lately. There is just so much on my mind.  My breakup is on my mind. It's been 2 months and we are friends and have been spending time together outside of work. And the longer we are separated, the more I know that we shouldn't be together, and the more I know how much I love him and miss him. It's complicated and confusing.  My aunt was diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer, my dad's sister. That side of the family just hasn't had a good past few years with loss. I am remaining hopeful that she will beat this, I don't think any of us can handle another loss in our family.  My boss is leaving at work. She got promoted and it is great for her and I really like her replacement, but she is the best boss I've ever had. And she's my friend. And I am just not ready for her to go.  My insurance doesn't cover either of my doctors, so now I am trying to find a new internal med doctor, who in turn will refer me to my curren...

Sometimes I wonder if I talk about my pain too much. Sometimes I wonder if I don't talk about my pain enough. I don't think anyone understands it. And I wonder if I talked about it more, then they would get it. Or do I talk about it too much and make people wish that I would just shut up? I don't know. It gets so frustrating that people don't get it. I wish instead of suggesting I can go on a walk that would require going uphill, they would just understand that would be too painful. Instead of always encouraging that exercise will help, realizing that I can't do it without being in so much pain later that I won't be able to walk at all, or if I can walk, I trip a lot or almost fall down stairs because the pain is too much. I just want someone to understand. I want someone that gets it. I know the pain isn't going away, so I want people to just listen and get it. But I don't know how to make that happen. I don't know if that ever can happen, not if t...

I need a change. New apartment? Yes. New job? Maybe. A dog? Hell yes! I am still toying with the ideas, but I need a change. I need it. 

Why is it that in an empty room filled with tables, people choose to sit right next to the only table occupied? Is it a way to feel some sort of connection to people when you are alone? Me, I choose the table away from everyone. It's my way of hiding in public. Yet, I don't mind when someone chooses to sit near me. I may like to be alone, but I also like knowing that I am helping someone else feel less alone. Human nature is fascinating.

Despite sleeping very little due to pain, I woke up (an hour early) with a pretty good attitude. As the day progressed, so did the pain. I reached the point of deciding whether moving the lower half of my body or not was even worth it and the pain clouded my head, causing me to forget things that happened and what I was doing. If you know the pain scale, I would say I fluctuated between a 7 to 9 all day. Yet, I worked all day, I was kind and pleasant to be around. And even though I told some I was in pain (and you could possibly tell by my walk that was extremely slow with a slight limp), the tone of my voice may not have sounded sincere in my level of pain. But that's how I live my life, trying to push the pain aside and not let people know and just live, because this is my reality. Sometimes I get annoyed with those that complain about pain or call in sick, because I want them to walk a mile in my (really cute) shoes; I used to be more sympathetic. Yet, I get over my annoyance,...

My physical ailments and anxiety issues give me reminders all the time of my strength. That was enough of a reminder though, I didn't need more things to prove it to me. Yet, a break-up was added to the mix. And once again, I am surprised by my strength in this too. I don't know sometimes if I want to be this strong. Sometimes I just want to break down and cry and throw a fit and be immature. I want to act like a 5 year old and stomp my feet. I act like the adult at work with superiors that act like children, even through a pain filled day. I act like an adult when I see his sad face and know that he is hurting too. I act like an adult when I feel a panic attack coming on, so I go hide in an office and let it pass so no one else has to figure out how to deal with me through this. A temper tantrum just seems so nice sometimes. If only children knew how hard it was to be an adult sometimes, we would never wish for it. Yet, I will stay strong. Because that's who I am. I don...

I don't do break ups well. Mostly because I don't know how to do them. I am sad, then okay, then sad, then lonely, then sad, then okay, then sad, then sad, then okay, then lonely. And then sad. I think that about covers it. Also, I don't like it.  That is all. 

I need to start working on myself. Take my health into my own hands. I need to make some doctor appointments, plan some yoga and bike rides, plan some time with friends. Making decisions and calling for these things is overwhelming for me and causes panic. So it is challenge, always, but it is the only way to make me feel better. So here is my plan. Step 1: Research and find a counselor that will help with my anxiety and panic. Research a yoga place that has restorative yoga, the only kind I can do for now. Step 2: Call/go online and make the following appointments: ob/gyn, general practitioner, dentist, physical therapy, therapy, yoga, health insurance to see what they cover. Step 3: Check my calendar to figure out when I can make plans with some of my besties that live far and near. I need friend therapy badly. I won't set a timeline, because if I don't achieve it, it will cause me to feel even more anxious. But these all will get done. And writing them down on h...

Sometimes my mind goes a mile a minute and I can't stop it. If it isn't the pain, it is my anxiety that keeps me up at night. I think of every worst case scenario for every situation in my life and question every thing I've ever said, even things I said 5 years ago. If someone changes plans on me, I panic. I will probably be fine with it 5 minutes, but it's the change that causes panic. It is hard how it impacts relationships. It causes me to question everything, to be angry or sad for no reason but what my head comes up with. I wish things were different, I wish I could turn this off. Yet, this makes me me. Just another thing that makes me strong... and makes me complain on a blog.

I'm not sure I sleep. At least, it doesn't ever really feel like it. So on nights like tonight when I have a big to-do list that needs to be accomplished before I leave for MT in 3 days, I let myself cave to the tired. I don't have the energy to do anything. I played with my nephew and niece today. We hugged and laughed and read and colored. I think that is a pretty accomplished day. And 8 o'clock seems like a pretty good bedtime to me.

I don't tell many people that my nerve pain has been back, most days, all day. I don't want anyone to think my surgery wasn't worth it, wasn't a success. I know it was. I trust fully in my doctor, the only doctor I have ever trusted. I rarely have cramps and contraction like pains. My back pain is different back pain now. I believe that he cut out all of the disease in surgery. I still get some adhesion pain, but that's to be expected because I probably have even more scar tissue now.  But as my physical therapist said, nerve pain is often the result in this disease. And nerve pain isn't something that goes away. With the help of medication and physical therapy, I can make it better, but I can't make it go away. It's a hard decision to make. I don't want to be on drugs forever and I can't afford to go to physical therapy all the time and health insurance only covers so much of it. I am at a crossroads, trying to figure out how to do this. Tr...

Today I am tired. Yesterday I was tired. Tomorrow I will probably be tired. I am just always so tired. I'd like to say it's because I don't get enough sleep or sleep poorly (which is certainly part of it), but this kind of tired doesn't get better with sleep. Chronic fatigue is a symptom of endometriosis. It is also a symptom of generalized anxiety disorder. Apparently when your mind can't turn off worrying and your body can't turn off pain, it makes you tired. All. the. time.  I often think, "I don't have a reason to be this tired. I didn't run 10 miles. I don't have kids and a full time job. I am not a single parent. I don't work on my feet all day long. I shouldn't be this tired. Those people should be this tired." Yet, I am. Always. I am not sure there will ever be a way for that to change. Yoga, meditation, long bike rides. Sure, that will help me sleep and maybe even help turn off my mind. But it can't take away the e...

Things have been churning. I think it's time to stop internalizing all my thoughts and instead, write. There are a lot of things that I don't know who to tell, about my diseases, about my pain, about life. I am going to tell my blog. Let's see what happens.