Artemis

Not only am I counting down Bush's departure as I mentioned in my previous entry, I am living countdowns right now. It's 8 days until one of my best friends comes to visit, 20 until my Mom and Dad visit and 79 until I leave here. I am trying not to focus on these things, trying to live in the moment, but sometimes it is hard when I am so looking forward to all of these occasions. But I am not forgetting to enjoy my time with the girls. Today was a rough day with Baby S, she was having a bad day. She woke up after a half hour of napping (she usually takes a minimum 1 hr. 15 min. naps) and decided to cry for over a half hour, I never did figure out why. When I finally got her to stop crying by rocking and singing to her (with her beautiful grayish-green eyes looking into my eyes), she made it very clear not to touch her or talk to her by crying or grunting if I did so. I kept reminding myself to take deep breaths, that she is only a baby and that I have limited time with her. It ...

I have a bone to pick about our president (shocker, I know!). As I am sure most of you know, it is one year today since Hurricane Katrina hit. One year. Our "leader" is down there today. Somehow he thinks this will make things better. I hope he got an unfriendly welcome, I don't doubt that he did. I don't understand how it can still look like this one year later (check out other photos here). We can send aid to other countries, get in their battles (and in some cases, I am not saying we shouldn't), but we can leave our own country looking like a war zone for a year, with claims that all is being done that can be done. Bush is an ass. I can't believe that he is our president, I can't believe he ever was. He doesn't want to leave any child behind, but he can leave a whole country behind. For him it is half a step forward, 2,000 steps back. And children are still being left behind too, the lowest SATs scores in 30 years will prove that. I have no faith...

I leave here in 83 sleeps!!! That's all I got.

Finally, it feels real. It feels like I am really going home. I told them that I have to turn down their offer. I also wrote them a long letter explaining how much I appreciate all they have done for me and how much I will miss them and their kids. L hugged me just because I gave her a letter. I will especially miss her, she was my only adult to talk to here and she never made me feel like I wasn't good enough. I gave them an exact date I want to be done by, Friday, November 17th. I will then leave on Saturday to drive back. I really am going home. Here are a few words Mr. Michael Buble sings best, but explains how I feel: "Maybe surrounded by A million people I still feel all alone I just wanna go home." " I’m lucky I know But I wanna go home I’ve got to go home." "Let me go home 'Cause I’m just too far from where you are I wanna come home." "And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life It’s like I just stepped outside When everything...

They asked me to stay. Again. They told me that they know it is not about money, but they offered me a $50 raise per week. They said if I could just stay until next summer, then his parents will be up here and they will watch the kids. I told her I would think about it. But I don't need to think about it. I know what I want, I want to go back home. I want my friends. I want my family. But why did they have to do this? Don't they know how hard it was for me in the first place? I get emotionally attached to cars and trees and blankets and stuffed animals, how can they not know how attached I am to the kids? But the truth is, they don't know much about me. They don't know how depressed I am. They don't know why I can't sleep at night. They don't know that not one, but two doctors told me they are worried about my mental health because I am working too many hours and am far from home. They don't know how I put my whole life on hold for them, to raise their g...

I have had a sore throat for over 2 weeks, often accompanied by bad headaches. It wasn't so bad that I couldn't stand it, I could still eat and function. And last week I wasn't feeling it so much because I was taking so many pain killers for excruciating cramps that I wouldn't have felt much other pain. Then last night my throat hurt so bad that it actually woke me up 3 times in the middle of the night. So today I decided to go to the doctor. It took a lot for me to do decide to go because I don't have health insurance and I am trying to get rid of as much of my debt as possible before I leave, as well as needing to buy a car. So the pain has to be pretty bad for me to cave. And then the doctor tells me what I could have diagnosed myself, "It must be a virus because your quick strep test is negative." I paid $105 dollars to hear that and that isn't including the 2 strep tests they do (one quick, one that is sent off). She asks if I have been taking any...

My work day ended early today, at 3 pm. The family, along with the grandparents, went to Long Island for the brother's engagement party/reception (they are getting married in Italy). They offered for me to go along this weekend, but I turned it down, thinking of how great it would be to have the place to myself for a weekend. I enjoyed it during the day, eating dinner while watching television in the family room, with no worries about being "caught" in a room that is supposed to have no food. Now, it is night and suddenly I am not enjoying it as much. This house is 5700 sq. ft. and 3 floors, that is a lot of hiding places for the boogie man. So for the next couple nights, the environmentalist is being an energy glutton. I turned on 4 lights on the main floor, 2 on the second floor, and one on across the hall from my room, along with the 2 night-lights in my room. Why so many? Did you read the part about 5700 sq. ft.? That is a lot of house, I need lights on so I can get f...

I want to hear what you think I should do on this issue. I think most are on agreement that a baby first words and their first steps are the 2 biggest milestones they will make. Baby S started walking today. She has taken one step in front of me and her parents before. At first today, she was taking 3 steps. I figured I wouldn't tell her parents and they could discover it on their own. Three steps really isn't that much. Then she started taking more, 4 one time, then 10 steps, then 3, then 4, then 10, then 13, at which point she was getting frustrated with me because I kept backing up whenever she would get to me, so we quit (and I wasn't letting her have the pen she was really after). So, do I tell the parents? These were really her first steps, the ones that the parents are going to put in her baby book. And it is a lot of steps to simply not tell them. I was the one to see her first time sitting up and her first time crawling, the first time waving, clapping, shaking he...

My day was okay yesterday (except for the excruciating pain I was in for most of the day), but my evening and night sucked. First, L tells me that P's parents (the dreaded grandparents) are coming today. Fine, they won't be here until really late, so I only need to put up with them until around 3 pm tomorrow, when they will take Baby S with them and my work day will be done early. The problem, however, is that they don't know I am leaving. I am not sure how to work this, do I pretend I am not leaving and act normal? That could only blow up in my face when they find out, acting pissy to me because I didn't tell them when I saw them (but I may never see them again after this, so this may be the best option). Or, I can be an adult and tell them I am leaving. They do love me, so maybe it would be nice to hear it from me. Or, P may tell them today so they know before they get here, which means they could be even more unbearable and harder to put up with because they don'...

Last night I met the girl that will potentially be the girls' new nanny. I didn't want to like her for obvious reasons. Even though I met her for only a minute, my gut tells me I can like her and trust her. She was very nice and really seemed interested in the girls, trying to talk with S and make her smile. She wasn't uncomfortable with the girls or with the parents or with meeting me. She doesn't speak English very well, but you can understand her. And she is able to understand things when explained to her, which is most important, especially since I will to spend a week training her. She is unsure if she wants to wait until the end of October to start working, so she is going to let the parents know this week sometime. But whether or not she takes it isn't the only thing she needs to worry about. The father (P) doesn't really like her. He is hard to please and he doesn't like very many people, so I take it as a compliment that he likes me. He claims that ...

When I gave the parents a little more than 3 months to find someone new, I figured that was how much time they would need. I think that I also needed 3 months to be ready for this. They may have already found someone else. Last night the mom (L) met with a woman from Brazil that already lives in the area with family. And she already met the girls and loved them. L said that she is very nice and that S liked her. The woman has another interview tomorrow and will let L know in the next week if she wants the job. I must admit, for selfish reasons, I kind of hope she turns it down. The main reason is that she wants to start the job as soon as possible. L told her that it wouldn't be at least until October, but still. That is a whole month or more before I was planning on leaving and that freaks me out. I am not ready for this. I still have so many things to do, pay off at least one credit card, buy a car, find a job, pack, make the girls a scrapbook. Those are just physical things, but...

Before even reading the article that goes along with this, I was laughing my ass off. Bush a conservationist? Yeah, and I am a republican. He thinks that because he drives hybrid and solar-powered cars and his home has solar panels and his ranch has some protected land, suddenly he is an enivronmentalist. Don't get me wrong, the fact that he does this is wonderful. But doing these things doesn't make up for all the other things he has done wrong. I would provide a list of his environmental faults, but they are too numerous to list or even count. I mean, this is the man that thought global warming didn't exist and now has only changed his view to believing it exists, but that more research needs to be done before we change our ways of living. I am long from calling Bush an environmentalist or even a conservationist, but if he wants to think that he is so he can sleep at night, feel free. Most of us know better.

"I need to talk to you about something." "Okay" with her eyes getting big. "You are not in trouble, it is not about you, it is about me." "Okay." "I am going to move back home to live with my sister. This has nothing to do with you, and I am not leaving because you were bad or because I don't like you and watching you. I like watching you and playing with you and [baby S], but it is time for me to go back to my family." "Why?" she asks with sad eyes. "Because I miss my family. If you had to be away from your mom and dad and sister for as long as I have, would you miss them?" "Yes." "I miss my sisters and my mom and dad. And you get to see your aunt and uncle and your grandparents and I never get to see mine because I am far away and I miss them too." "And your dog?" "Yes, and I miss my dog. You need to know that you are smart and beautiful and such a fun little girl and I will m...

Maybe telling the parents was the easy part. Tonight I am going to tell S that I am leaving. I feel sorry for her. I am her fourth nanny in her 5 1/2 year life. All she knows at this point is that people leave her. I used to see the upside of a child having a nanny, and there still are plenty upsides, but the downside is much more prominent in her life. Nannies will always leave. At a daycare or school, the kids leave and sometimes the teachers, but there is the buffer of having other children and other teachers that are consistently there. Here, it is just me. No one to buffer her pain. Sure, there are her parents, but even at 5, it is a given to her that they will always be there and she loves them, but at this age, it is always exciting to have that other person there. And I am leaving. I must say I feel a little guilty. Not enough to make me stay or to make me regret my decision, but still a little. She will go back to a stranger living in her house and taking care of her. I think ...

It is done. I had a feeling when I emailed the mother this morning that she would email or call me about it later. When the phone rang, I thought "Please don't be L." And it was. We talked about the questions I had about school for S in a few weeks. Then she said, in a tone as if she already knew the answer, "Is that all you wanted to talk about?" I told her then that I made my decision for the next year and asked if she wanted me to tell her then on the phone or talk to both of them later. She said to tell her now, then we could discuss it more later. I told her I decided to go live with my sister. I told her that I felt like I was quitting a family, not a job. I told her that if I could work for them and live near my family, I would. She expected it. You could tell that she built up for this response. She said that they would love for me to stay, but that she completely understood, saying she is not sure she could be so far away from family (she is only 4.5 ho...

Tonight REALLY is the night, I already set the ball rolling. I emailed the mother at work and told her I wanted to talk when she gets home from work tonight. I will keep you posted on how it turns out.

I don't know how to do this. I hated quitting all my other jobs, even if I didn't like them and those were regular jobs. This is like quitting a family. Not my family and I don't feel like they are family, but they feel like I am. The grandmother is here visiting (her mother, not his whom I don't care for) and she told me today that I have a way with S that no one else has, not even her parents. She said that she tried for 15 minutes to get S to eat her banana when they were outside together and I was inside with the baby, and she refused. All I did was come outside, told her to eat it and she said okay and it was gone in a few minutes. After hearing that, how am I supposed to talk to them and tell them I am quitting their family, I am leaving their kids that I love as if they were my own, and walk away? Don't get me wrong, I want to leave this job more and more everyday. I don't enjoy it anymore. I am bored, I don't feel challenged. I feel like I put my lif...

All week I have made some attempt to tell the parents I am leaving. It started on Tuesday, all night I tried to tell them, but everytime I was about to bring it up, one of the parents would leave the room or the baby got hurt, etc. Wednesday, I made plans to go to the neighbors when the parents got home, but I made an attempt to tell them anyway, but S was glued to my side. I kept trying to distract her with food and television, but no go. I could have just said "I need to talk to you parents, go away", but I know her well enough to know that would have only peaked her interest and she would never go away. Last night, I was SO ready to tell them. The father asked me to watch the girls for 15 minutes while he weed-whacked the yard. I said sure, thinking the mother should be home any minute and then I could tell her when he is outside (I decided that if I can't tell them both at the same time, I will tell the mother alone). I waited and waited and waited. Not only was it 8 ...

I just saw a commercial for Oscar Meyer's new "Fast Franks". The hotdogs already come in a bun and you warm them up in the microwave. Some may call this convenience, I call it laziness. In a country where we can't make the effort to take a bun from a plastic bag, open it and place the hotdog in it, we wonder why we have an obesity problem.

Tonight's the night. I am going to tell the parents I am leaving. That is, if I don't chicken out. I was going to do it last night, but the father came home saying "I am in a bad mood, I am so tired." I took that as a sign that last night wasn't the night. Hopefully I don't lose my nerve tonight. I am not so much nervous about telling them I am leaving, to be honest, I think they already know. For one thing, I told them when they asked me to stay that I wanted to go live with my sister but was still thinking about it and the mother has pointed out that she can see how strong my bond is with my sisters, so she has to suspect that I am going to leave. The hard part is knowing what to say. I replay it over and over and I can't decide on a time to tell them I am leaving. First it was December 15th, then it was November 3rd, then I decided to give them a range of Nov. 3rd-Dec.15th and let them choose the best time for them but emphasize on the sooner, the bette...