Next Hurdle

Maybe telling the parents was the easy part. Tonight I am going to tell S that I am leaving. I feel sorry for her. I am her fourth nanny in her 5 1/2 year life. All she knows at this point is that people leave her. I used to see the upside of a child having a nanny, and there still are plenty upsides, but the downside is much more prominent in her life. Nannies will always leave. At a daycare or school, the kids leave and sometimes the teachers, but there is the buffer of having other children and other teachers that are consistently there. Here, it is just me. No one to buffer her pain. Sure, there are her parents, but even at 5, it is a given to her that they will always be there and she loves them, but at this age, it is always exciting to have that other person there. And I am leaving. I must say I feel a little guilty. Not enough to make me stay or to make me regret my decision, but still a little. She will go back to a stranger living in her house and taking care of her. I think she will regress, going back to being a brat. I hope she doesn't forget all things I did teach her, like to respect her parents, caregivers, teachers, sister and things; to remember her manners; to put away her own dishes and dirty clothes and to make her own bed; to be nice to her sister because one day soon she will start hitting, biting, and kicking back; to treat the earth, animals and nature with respect and to recycle even if her dad won't anymore once I leave; mostly I hope she remembers that I do love her and that she is smart enough and good enough to deserve the attention. And I hope she will always remember me. At least I won't need to explain to the baby why I am leaving her behind, but it will be harder with her because she won't remember me. I was with her for the most important year of her life, where she is learning the most and loving the most and she won't remember who I am a few months after I am gone. That is what hurts the most about this. I don't think telling S will be hard, she is smart and she will understand that I want to be with my family just like she is, I just hope that neither one of my girls feels like I am abandoning them. And I hope they know I love them and will always cherish this time with them, even though it is my time to go.