Artemis

I emailed my sister today and she said I should post it to my blog. So here it is: "I went on a diet today... a sugar diet. I went CRAZY. Honestly, almost all I have had to eat today is sugar. Candy for breakfast, cookies for lunch, cookies for a snack. SOMEBODY STOP ME!!! I am shaky from all the sugar. I don't know what my deal is...well, I know what my deal is, but I need to stop. I did the math, I can only be sad for a week and a half according to Sex and the City. But I don't want to be sad that long, so by the time I come home, it will be done. All done. I am not sure there was much spark on my end either. I know that sounds like a hindsight comment. But even after the first kiss, I wasn't feeling all giddy like I should have. I chocked it up to my anxiety, but I don't think it was. I need to learn when my gut is telling me how I feel and when it is anxiety. I will have to talk to my counselor about that the next time."

I made the decision a couple months ago to put myself out there. I joined a free dating website. I started the conversations with guys I was interested in. I asked the guys out that I was getting along with. I went on 3 dates with one guy and talked to him almost everyday for a month. It was going great. I really liked him, he seemed to like me. I was happy. And he really did like me... as a friend. Here's the thing, he expressed interest in going out more than once, he kissed me. He told me that he was trying really hard to feel the spark because I was so nice and sweet and he wanted to feel it. He said that he really enjoys hanging out with me because we get along so well and he thinks we could be good friends. So cliche... except I really think he means it all. Every feeling pointed to him enjoying my company. And I think I will be friends with him because I get along with him so well. In time. I was pretty upset, crying a lot. I finally calmed down enough, so I told my parents....

I babysat tonight for a family that I babysit for quite often, about once a week. When I first started babysitting for Bill (4 3/4 yrs.) and Finn (3 yrs.) (as we will call them), they were excited to see me. When I started seeing them every week, the enthusiasm died down some. Well, it has been 2 weeks since I've seen them last. Finn and I were sitting at the kitchen table while he finished dinner. Bill was downstairs playing. Out of the blue, he yells upstairs, "Cassie, you are the best babysitter in the whole wide world!" I thank him, with Finn following (he copies everything his older brother says), "Cassie, you are the best babysitter in the whole wide world." "Thanks Finn." About an hour later, we were having our ritual pajama party, after their bath where I ended up more wet than the boys in the tub and after our ritual hide and seek, where I hide in the same spots every time and it takes forever for them to find me. Bill just finished his kettle...

It only makes sense to write about what I am thankful for on Thanksgiving. There are the obvious ones: -Family -Friends -Health -A place to live -Food to eat -Clean water to drink -Happiness -A place to go today (even though it intrigued me to spend the day alone, but my sister wouldn't let me) Then there are all those other things: -That I had/have the courage to: ~Deal with my anxiety ~Sign up for a free dating website ~Ask out two guys (they both said yes!) ~Make friends ~Be alone, I love it ~Finally take some action on dealing with debt -That JM FINALLY got to go home from the hospital and things are going relatively well -That is it is finally snowing -That there is only a little over a year until Bush will be out of office, and well there is still a chance to get someone even worse in office (aka Fred Thompson), I am thankful that there is finally hope for a brighter future in this country -That people are finally opening there eyes about Global Warming, it is about time. -T...

Update: My wallet was found with everything still in it. It was behind the printer at work. It may never be known how it got there and it was found after canceling my bank accounts and credit cards, but nevertheless, it was found. I am not sure what to do about work. My boss makes my anxiety worse. She asks me all the time if I am okay. She tells me not to stress, to take it one day at a time, to just relax. That just makes it worse. She is just hard to handle. So today after a stressful situation, new paperwork implemented, I was left confused as usual after my boss explains things. I was talking it through with my co-workers after she left. I was trying to understand something and me and one of the elderly ladies were understanding things differently. My co-worker is really stressed because she is about to have her second knee replacement (the same knee, the first replacement came loose) and she is trying to get as much done as possible at work because she will be gone for 7 weeks. S...

I lost my wallet. I am not sure when it happened. I haven't used it since Tuesday and that was in my car. And last night there were men breaking into cars on our street, so it is possible it was even stolen. Though I can't say for sure since I don't know if it was even in my car. I handled it all well. I have known since lunch that it may be lost. I thought of all the rational places to look and looked there. When I got home, I called and cancled my credit cards (which meant using the phone, which we all know is not an easy thing for me). I know my social security card was in there, which you aren't suppose to carry with you. I know all the things I need to do, like get a new SS card, a new driver's liscense, etc. And I dealt with this all fine. Until I remember that my ID for photography school was still in there. Then the tears came. Why did I carry something with me all the time that meant so much to me?! Here comes the tears again. I can't even talk about it...

I know that it has been clinically proven that exercise eases stress and anxiety. And I admit that when I exercise, I feel relaxed and in the long run, it really helps with my anxiety. But that all happens after the exercising. It is the before part that increases my anxiety. For weeks now, I have said I am going to take a yoga class on Wednesday nights. And for weeks, I find a million reasons not to go. I am too tired, I have too much to do, I am sick, etc. Those all just mask the real reason, the idea of going makes me so anxious that I can't even step out the door. So I bail out. Then the guilt comes. The guilt for cheating myself out of health, happiness and relief. I will work myself up to it. I don't know how or when, but I will. More than half the battle is getting there. Once I take the leap, it will feel great. And I can't wait until I find the courage to go. Until then, walks outside all on my own, with no one watching and exercise DVDs when no one is home will h...

I went to our new Super Target on Friday night. I was so excited, it is so close to our house. As I was going through the store, I noticed that across from all of the Halloween decorations, the Christmas decoratoins were up. Now, don't get me wrong. I love Christmas. It is my favorite holiday, and not because of the religious aspect and not because of gifts (our family doesn't give gifts anymore), it just makes me excited like a little kid. But I was so annoyed. Stores now skip over two holidays, Halloween and Thanksgiving. Before we know it, the decorations will be out at Easter just like in " It's the Easter Beagle, Charlie Brown ". I was going through the store, lost in a new place and all huffy about how retailers are ruining my Christmas experience. Then I came upon some snow globes. And I forgot what I was mad about. I love snow globes. There is something magical about them. They take me to a different world. I stood there with "Have Yourself a Merry L...

I just finished watching the premiere of " Kid Nation ". Loved it. A good laugh, a good cry and good feeling at the end of the show. I understand the controversy behind it, I really do. 40 kids thrown into a world of independence, with only other kids to take care of them, working, cooking, sleeping on the floor. No adults. I get the problems with it. But I think everyone will be pleasantly surprised. It will show how stong and responsible kids really are, I have always said that people don't give kids enough credit. They may even be better at being adults than adults are. As Anjay said on the show, "Adults have done nothing good with the world." Well put. If you love kids as much as I do, you will love this show.

I am learning everyday how to deal with my illnesses and how to use them to make me stronger. They are not who I am, I am more than diseases. Sometimes it's easy to get lost in them. But in my path to wellness, it has made me want more from my life. I have already taken some grand adventures: dropping everything to move to Montana to pursue my passion of photography; going to the land of wealth to help raise someone else's children; driving half-way cross country with a great friend to move my life to somewhere new once again. But there is more that I want. So I made a Five Year Plan. Step 1: Take care of my health, mental and physical (exercise more, eat healthier, deal with my anxiety and endometriosis). Step 2: Go to credit counseling (get out of debt, save money). Step 3: Work at my job for min. of 4 1/2 additional years (after 5 years of employment, I can keep my pension I am earning now). Step 4: Move to Montana (there is no place where I am more at ease). Step 5: Try to...

I have been dealing pretty well with my anxiety . Or at least in my head I am. Then reality hits. I meant to take a yoga class on Wednesday, but I didn't go. I know a lot of people have problems with not wanting to exercise, I only wish it was that simple. Most people don't almost have panic attacks just thinking about going. I do. I have been reading a book about controlling anxiety. It is crazy how much of my behaviors can be explained just by being diagnosed with this disease (that is what it is, I bet you are all jealous that you don't have two diseases like I do!). Procrastination for instance. To know me is to know I am the queen of procrastination. It made so much sense when reading the chapter about procrastination. I could have sworn that it was written about me. I figured out that there are reasons I procrastinate. I put things off because of fear of failure, fear of being overwhelmed, fear of being controlled by someone else, but the big ones, the big reasons I t...

My apologies for lack of blogging. I currently do not have my own computer, so when I finally get a new cord for my laptop, I will be able to write more on here. So stay tuned, there will be more to come in the not so distant future.

My sister got married last weekend in our beloved Montana. It was great. It wasn't a common, one day event as most weddings are. My sister does things differently, which I love about her. It was a 5 day event. It started on July 4th with a party at her and her now husband's house in Helena. It only lasted 9 hours, at least for me. A few people made it last 11 hours+. The next day it was Gates of the Mountain . Then there was chillin' at a lake, some dinner and finally bed. July 6th was driving to Bozeman, spending the day setting up for the rehearsal and dinner, getting ready, and then the said rehearsal and dinner (all in 100+ degree temps). It continued at a bar/restaurant in Bozeman until 11pm. Another long day. Then it was 7/7/07, the wedding day. Wake up early, drive to Chico Hot Springs in Pray. Then it was making sure everything was going right, decorating, getting ready, the wedding, the reception, the dance, then the after party in the saloon. The day finally ende...

My nanny experience may not have been perfect. I was always stressed, unhappy, lonely and depressed. It was hard. But through all of that, there is one thing I will never doubt, and that is how much I loved and still love those girls. I recently found the letters I wrote and left behind for them when I left, along with scrapbooks for each of them. Here they are: "Dear S, Hey there my little sunshine. You are old enough to understand why it is I have to leave, but that doesn’t make it any easier. Please know that I am not leaving because of you, I am doing what is best for me. And know that I love you very much. You and I struggled a lot with each other, I would get frustrated with you and you would get mad at me. But even through all those times, I still enjoyed being your nanny. You were a blessing. You challenged me everyday and made me fall in love with you. We teased and laughed and played. We always had fun together. I will always remember ...

I am sure most everyone has heard of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon (aka Six Degrees of Seperation). I realized today that I have only 6 degrees between me and a multi-billionaire. It goes from my supervisor, to my manager, to the director, to the managing director, to the head of HR, to the President and CEO of the company I work for (HUGE company). Then I realized how much cooler it is that I only have 2 degrees of seperation between me and the people at PEOPLE Magazine and numerous other famous people (an instructor at my photography to the said people), she works as a photographer for the magazine, hence photographs famous people. But the coolest is that I also have only two degrees of seperation from 2 of the most famous photographers ever. My lighting instructor at my photography school to Annie Leibovitz , he was her photography assistant; and better yet, the owner, head and instructor of my photography school to the Ansel Adams , he was also a photography assistant to Adams. So...

I know it has been awhile since I've written on here. It seems that I don't really have anything to say when things are going well in my life and I am happy. I suppose I could write about how much I enjoy my job and love my co-workers. I could write about how my personal life is going well, I am happy with where I am heading with my friendships and prospective dating life. I am happy with my mental status and how well I am stepping up and dealing with everything. I could talk about how my sister and I are getting along really well with no fights lately. But, well, frankly, that would all be... BORING! I am not saying you all wouldn't enjoy hearing about those things, it is more so that I wouldn't enjoy writing about those things, at least not now. So if you want me to write on my blog more often, you better wish for something bad to happen in my life... or, rather, I wish you wouldn't. It isn't nice to wish bad things on others.

"Some days you wake and immediately start to worry. Nothing in particular is wrong, it's just the suspicion that forces are aligning quietly and there will be trouble." - Jenny Holzer, on a piece of her art in the Museum of Modern Art, New York, NY

I am sitting on the front steps in this beautiful weather. I just got back from a walk, er, a stroll rather. I took my camera. I saw new life in bloom, bursting through buds. I felt the wind with each breath, breathing deep with every gust. I watched and listened as the water rippled down the stream. I hopped on Hopscotch and made sure to skip cracks so I didn't break my mother's back. Spring has always been my favorite time of the year. Plants and animals impress me, after the cold and the snow, they come back as beautiful as ever. They prove that adversity can bring beauty. As I was walking, I could feel the excitement build with each flower in bloom, with each leaf busting through. New life excites me. But with the excitement was another feeling. One that I have felt for so long but could never put my finger on. One that followed me wherever I went, no matter how good times were. I found the word recently, anxiety. It is not depression, don't fool it with depression beca...

Easter weekend was short, but nice and relaxing. I got to try out my employee perk by flying home. The only problem was that my parents' keep their house so cold, even their dog needed a blanket.

The new job is going really well. It comes with some amazing benefits (not just health, but other special ones). Nice people, cool building, okay work. Not too bad at all. I am in a huge filing room with three other people. They are pretty great to work with, they seem to like me and I like them. There are two older women, 62+ I would say, that really seem to love being able to help me with all my questions. The more I ask, the more they like it. I love hearing their life stories, they are great ones. And they are interested in my life stories too. Then there is one guy that is a year older than me. He was slow to warm up, but is already more chatty and friendly, we get a long well too. My boss is nice, but sometimes a little annoying. She means well and I do like her, so that is all that matters. All the hundreds of other people are nice too, but it bothers me that I can't remember any of their names yet, when they all know mine. Granted, they had one to learn, I had tons. One wom...

I started my new job on Wednesday. No, it is not a third job. It replaces the first job I had here. It has health benefits and many other great perks. Things are going well, although I haven't learned too much yet, except for filing and alphabetizing. Since I have to wake up earlier than before, it has left me exhausted all week, especially since I am still working at job number 2 with kids in the evenings. So the week has been stressful, and adding to the stress is that my car has had smoke coming from under the hood, which means no driving it and paying money I don't have to get it fixed. And all this stress leads to mistakes, such as going to babysit, getting a ride home from the mother of the baby that cried ALL NIGHT, then finding out I don't have the right key to get in my house. Lovely. Good thing my sister has a great friend (who is my friend too) that rocks and drove over to let me in. I am glad tomorrow is Sunday, which means the start of a new week. Things can on...

Today is my birthday, the big 2-6. As someone so kindly pointed out, I am on the downward slope to 30. When did that happen? I always get excited for my birthday, and then the day itself always ends being not as exciting as the actual anticipation. It's not like when you are little and you have a birthday cake with candles and presents galore on the actual day of your birthday. As an adult, it always seems more spread out, with things arriving in the mail early or late and celebrations happening on other days than your birthday. And that is nice in some ways, because it drags it out. But I would like one year of it being condensed all into one day, on my actual birth day. Don't get me wrong, today was still a nice day. I actually enjoyed work and received birthday wishes from all the people I really wanted to hear from. And I am in a great mood and am looking forward to the celebrations to come on Saturday with my sister. So for now, I am off to celebrate my birthday in some wa...

When I was 5 years old I decided I was going to live by the ocean. I have always felt that it had some hold on me, that it called to me all the way in the Midwest. I was a part of it and it was a part of me. This is still true. When the waves wash over my feet, I am taken to this other world, this place that understands me and my dreams in a world full of non-dreamers and non-believers. And someday I will live by the ocean. But the ocean will only be a pit stop on my journey. One day I will also live in the heart of New York City. And I will spend my life traveling the world. I know all these things will happen because they are my dreams and I believe. But NYC and all my travels, as well as Minneapolis, will also only be pit stops. They may last for a moment, or for years, but they will be pit stops nonetheless. I have always loved the idea of wandering the world aimlessly, going from place to place, whether for a day, a month or a year. But I have also always loved the idea of having ...

I started my new job last night. After 7 hours of being on my feet all day long, lifting 5 million boxes (I counted, it was really that many... or at least it felt like it) and unpacking 12 large boxes of perfume (which gives me headaches), I went straight to job number 2 and worked for 4.5 hours watching children. And by children, I mean a little bit of watching my co-workers too. There was absolutely no structure. We were in a mini-gym, so there was a lot of running and screaming. The ages of children spanned 2-12 years. Of the 21 kids, 6 spoke only Spanish. That was the biggest challenge. I couldn't speak with them at all. One little girl would smile and nod her head yes at everything I would say or ask because she had no clue of what I was saying. Two children were crying for their mom's and I couldn't even understand what they were saying, with the exception of "Mama". By myself, I took 4 Spanish-speaking-only children up to the water fountain. They started ...

I worked my first three days at my new job. It's a lot of busy work, often on my feet all day, but the day goes by fast. In fact, the first day I simply forgot to take my break. I like the people I work with and it is a really laid back work environment. And today I got hired for another job. It is working with kids in the evenings at a center while their parents take classes or exercise. It isn't too many hours, but there is room for more and it will be a great place to work. Even with the two jobs, I will still need to supplement them with babysitting to make ends meet. But at least I have more income coming in, that is all that matters. And both jobs offer a lot of room for growth, so that is important. I start my new job next Friday night. Long days, so I will be exhausted. But that is what you do when you are broke.

Yesterday I went with Jessie to the bank. She had to speak to someone, not do the regular banking stuff, so we had to sit in the waiting area. They had a fireplace, coffee, tea and various toys, books and magazines. I picked up the Consumer Reports magazine. Jessie picked up Highlights . As I am learning about tomatoes, washers and dryers, laundry detergent and how to measure your waist, she was looking for what was wrong in the picture, finding the hidden objects in the picture and reading riddles to me. She came across a page with a story, the kind where there are pictures usually in place of some words. She exclaimed, "Alright!" and started to read aloud. Then she realized that the word followed the picture and stated, "This won't be challenging for me at all!" The tears started to roll down my face with a burst of laughter, and moments later the woman came out to call Jessie's name, bringing unwanted attention to me. I guess when you are getting your...

I finally got a job! It was a job I applied for on December 6th, which just proves that no one really was hiring over the holidays. Turns out all the books and websites I read on the subject were right when they said the holidays are the worst time of the year to find a job. The job isn't anything spectacular, but it will be fun and it is for a store I love, which means 20% discount now, 30% in 3 months and 40% in 6 months, gotta love that... of course, only after I actually have enough money to buy even a stick of gum. It is part time, which means I have to find another part time job to make ends meet, but I am okay with that. Why do I need a life anyway? I can work a lot now, save up money, and have a life in a year or so:). All that matters at this point is that I have a job. And may I say, it is about fricken time!