Artemis

I am so bored. I don't like having nothing to do all day. It is fine when it is just for a week or two, but not a month and a half. I want a job. I want to meet new friends. I want to meet a guy. But I don't have skills in any of those areas. "I'm so bored, so bored, sitting in the corner." For those of you that watched early 90's sitcoms, you will get that quote.

My sister introduced me to the television show The Office . And I heart it. I saw Seasons 1 and 2 on dvd in the past week (I watched all of Season 2 between last night and today). The only problem now is that they are half way through Season 3, so I have missed several episodes and it won't come out on dvd until at least this summer... hmm, problem. But you want to know the one thing I heart even more than The Office ? Jim Halpert/John Krasinski (character/actor). He is on the show and I have a huge crush on him. I know what you are saying, you are 25 years old (turning 26 in 2 1/2 months) and crushes on famous people at this age is a little weird, and usually I would agree. It has been many years since I have had a crush on a star. But Jim/John is so an exception. In fact, if I could find a real life guy here in Minnecrap that looks like Jim/John, makes the same facial expressions, has the same sense of humor and is as nice, sweet and kind as him, so basically exactly like Jim/J...

Last night Jessie came downstairs to show me her toenail that is about to fall off. She was in the middle of writing a paper and decided it was something I needed to know. She ran a marathon in October and the toenail falling off is a consequence of it. And while most would be grossed out by this and wonder why it was important enough to come down a flight of very steep stairs, I enjoyed it. Not because it was something I really wanted to see, but because we can tell and show each other these things now that we are living together. Just another pro of living with her.

I have been online for at least 3-4 hours of the day for the past two days searching for jobs. And so far, no luck. I have applied to 4 childcare jobs online and I am going to make a couple phone calls before the day is over, but I just don't feel good about what I have come up with on my search. I know that I won't automatically find the job I love and want to spend the rest of my life doing, I know that I may need to take a just-for-now job until I find the right one. But I am not happy with the selection. More so, I am not happy with how this all makes me feel. I get so disappointed in myself whenever I am job hunting. And then I end up falling back to childcare because I know that I can do it and I know someone will hire me. And I am just not sure I want to do childcare. I want to do something in photography and I have applied to around 17 jobs in photography related fields and not even a bite. They all want someone with photography work experience, which I don't really...

I don't really have much to write about. Nothing is currently going on in my life. Sure, I made a big move, but I am also without a job or a life at the moment, so as soon as I get one of those, I will have more to write about. I came home to the parents' house for a week, excited to relax, explore the town (it has been almost a year since I have been here) and go through my old stuff. Instead it ended up being time to recover from this cold or whatever it is I have. Go figure I would get sick on the only time I have off to relax, seems to always work out that way. Next week will be some hardcore job searching. Not only do I need the money, I also want to work, otherwise I will get bored. I have been in touch with the new nanny, not suprising S is giving her a hard time and Baby S is calling her by my name, which is comforting in a way, means she still remembers me to some extent. I miss Baby S a lot, which is probably another sign it was time to leave, the longer I would have ...

I am finally home. I got to Minneapolis yesterday afternoon. It feels good to finally be here. I have mixed emotions about the kids right now. It hasn't really hit me that I won't see them for a long time, right now it feels like a vaction. I am sure once I settle in, start making my room my own, then it will hit me. I do miss them. I am sitting at a coffee shop/deli/restaurant (not sure what to call it), checking my email and people watching. I am going to look at the newspaper for jobs. I walked here, which was nice, I am finally within walking distance to places. I am not sure where I am going with this, but I just wanted to let everyone know I am here. Soon I will be changing my blog, a new template for a new start, it just seems appropriate. So stay tuned.

It has come! My last day of work. Tomorrow morning I leave. Right now I am so excited. I am not even sad, the sadness comes in waves and right now is a wave-free moment. I am going home! I am going to live with my sister. I will get a new job. I get to go on a grand adventure halfway cross-country with my friend. It is here. I don't even feel overwhelmed by the fact that I still need to pack and clean. I feel euphoric. It is finally here. YAY!!!

Yesterday most of the jealousy had gone away. I liked the n.n. Baby S really liked her. S was at least talking to her. N.n. was talking more and I was actually enjoying her company. Today started well, but then all of a sudden, I started to feel competitiveness, not just on my part, but on hers too. It seemed like there was a competition going on about who could get Baby S' attention more, who got to hold her more, who got to wake her up and feed her and change her. I was really trying to not be like that, but I swear she was doing it too. I don't want to be like this. I really do like her. And I think she is doing pretty well. At least with Baby S. She already loves her, Baby S is easy to fall in love with. I am not sure how she is with S yet. She seems excited with the baby, but not so much with S. And everytime S asks her to do something, she does it quick and then passes it on to me and goes to play with Baby S. I hope that changes, I don't want S to lose the amount of ...

I am not a jealous person by nature. Everyone gets jealous sometimes, but I am not excessively jealous. Except for today. I can't believe how jealous I am of the new nanny (n.n.). S asked to switch seats with me at dinner because she wanted to sit by n.n. I moved, but inside I was boiling. N.n. was sitting by Baby S instead of me, so she was getting all the smiles, and I wanted to scream. Then the mother, L, was talking to n.n. more than she was talking to me. She was just trying to make her comfortable, but it was driving me nuts. And now, they are all watching a movie together with S sitting on n.n.'s lap. I was invited to watch, but I am going through my stuff and putting it in piles to pack. And I was steaming when I went up the stairs. Sure, S still gave me a hug and wouldn't let go before I left. And she was talking to me more than to n.n. And L was still including me in the conversation. I get that n.n. is probably extremely uncomfortable right now, I remember how it...

Six more sleeps. It is crazy how fast it got here. I am feeling so many things right now. Mostly excitment, I can't wait to live with my sister, see my family and friends. But I am also feeling sadness, I have already shed a few tears due to leaving the girls. And there is the jealousy. The new nanny is here. And I am trying not to be jealous because this is what I want and I know I am doing what I want, but it is still hard knowing that she is the new me. She is very nice and sweet. But you can tell she is completely overwhelmed. I talked to her for about a half hour and I think I told her too much info already. I didn't intend to, but I asked her questions and she gave short answers. And then there was silence, which made me uncomfortable, so I kept talking. I apologized for saying so much. Part of me wants to tell her everything that is important so she can handle this job better than I could. Part of me thinks she just needs to figure it out on her own. I need to find the r...

Things are getting harder. At least that is why I assume things are "bad" with the kids. It's just like what I do when I have to leave my family. I get angry. I pick fights. I know it is coming, so I try not to get angry, but I can't seem to help it. I guess it is my way of trying to make it easier to leave, although it doesn't work. I think that is what this is. The girls aren't being any worse than usual, but suddenly this week S has been on more time outs than she has in the past month and Baby S seems crabbier than ever. My guilt is building, I feel like I am abandoning them, especially Baby S. I am all she has ever known. And I can't stand the thought of someone new here to take my place in 4 days. I have to spend a week with her, watch her for a week taking over my job, having the girls love her and want her instead of me. And it seems torturous. I am still happier and as anxious as ever to get out of here, but I wish I could keep the baby as my own....

It has been awhile since I posted a real entry. Not for lack of subject, but because I have too much to say. I have a lot of things going on in my life right now, a lot of things I am feeling. I am getting myself ready (mentally, not so much physically yet) to make another change in my life. I have always thought I was one that doesn't like change, but evidence seems to prove otherwise. Since graduating from college in December 2004, I am about to make my 5th move to my 4th location. And moving isn't the only change, there was the job back home that I started and quit in a short time, photography school in Montana, and being a nanny in Connecticut. All in a month shy of 2 years. So apparently I like change. But this move will be the last one I will make in awhile. I am getting anxious to leave. There are so many things I am looking forward to when I leave here, and not just seeing my family and friends (although that is the big one). I have been making a mental list of all the ...

I love this. It brought tears to my eyes. Check it out.

He started the National Parks system and he says things like this? What's not to love. "Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official, save exactly to the degree in which he himself stands by the country. It is patriotic to support him insofar as he efficiently serves the country. It is unpatriotic not to oppose him to the exact extent that by inefficiency or otherwise he fails in his duty to stand by the country." -- President Theodore Roosevelt

I know that jm did this on her blog, so I will utilize mine for help on this matter also. My new license plate number is 891-UTM. I need a mnemonic device to help me remember it, any suggestions?

They hired a new nanny. I talked to her on the phone and I like her. I got a good gut feeling about her. She is from Michigan. She is a year younger than me and doesn't have as much experience as I did going into this. She asked me all the right questions. Not just about what work was like, but what it was like living in this area. She asked what there is to do on weekends and if it was hard meeting people. She seems a lot like me. I told her that I didn't meet a lot of people, but I could have tried harder. She said she isn't very outgoing and will probably be a lot like me. She is interested in photography. She has always wanted to live near New York City. She is taking time off of school because she isn't sure of what she wants to do, something I should have done. I like her already and I have only talked to her once and seen pictures, but I haven't met her. So this is all good. I am glad they found someone, I was beginning to think they never would. Regardless, ...

There are a few stories in the news I have to comment on. FIRST there is the depressing news about the amount of Iraqis that have been killed during the US' occupation in Iraq. At the beginning of this war, Bush was trying to justify why we were there by saying that Saddam killed over 300,000 people in the matter of 24 years. Great way to pull at our heartstrings and almost makes you want to sympathize with his reasons (except not really). Then what justifies our government killing between 400,000-800,000 Iraqis (both civilians and rebels/fighters) in three years? Of course, they deny it. But who are you willing to believe, Bush's administration that doesn't want us to know the truth because it makes them look bad, or some scientists that use scientific studies and educated estimates to come up with the number previously stated? I will go with the scientists. When will Bush finally realize we are doing far more harm than good and get the hell out of Iraq? SECOND , an elem...

One month from today will be my last day of work as a nanny in Connecticut. Keep checking back for updates on my job hunt, the new nanny to replace me, my road trip plans and the things I do before I leave. And if you know me personally, I will be sending my new contact info in a couple weeks. These next 4 1/2 weeks will go by fast, and I have so much to do. Which is why I am writing a pointless entry.

This morning L brought the kids up to the playroom again. I didn't mind because I was awake and they came up while I was in the shower. But they turned the heat on up on the third floor (each floor has its own control). I know that doesn't sound like a big deal, it is only highs in the 50s and lows in the 30s. But I like this weather, when you don't need the air or the heat on. At night I crack my windows and it gets all cold in my room, so I can cozy up under two blankets, a sheet and the down comforter and I am perfect. I sleep so much better that way. And yes, I can turn the heat off when they go back downstairs. I am always hot when I get out of the shower, and where I get dressed in my room, the vent blows right on me (it blows on me when I sleep too) and the vent is stuck in the open position, so I can't close it. So I closed the other vent and the bathroom vent and opened my windows more so I wouldn't croak from the heat. But I was still pissed. Not at them, ...

Baby S is sick. S is sick. The mother, L, is sick. I believe in the power of positive thinking and I have been taking Airborne for the past two days. I have been trying my best to wash my hands as much as I can, but it's impossible to stay away from the germs. It isn't like working with older kids, where you can make them wash their hands everytime they cough or sneeze. I am working with a baby who has her hands in her mouth all day. When I feed her a meal, she tries to put food in my mouth and if I don't let her, she gets upset, so I am doing my best to prevent it. And I can't help but giving her kisses because she is so damn cute. And of course, there is the living with the kids thing, that doesn't make it easier either. I had covinced myself that I wasn't going to get sick, but that was before L and I took Baby S to the doctor for her 1 year appointment. The doctor asked if I was sick and I said no, then he looked at me and said, "You'll be sick nex...

I took a road trip today by myself to northeastern Connecticut. It was beautiful up there. The leaves are almost at peak, so the colors were amazing. I had forgotten that there are some mountains in that corner of the state. For a few hours, I forgot where I was and basked in my day. My intent was to take a lot of photos, but I didn't take all that many. And that's okay, because as John Mayer sings in 3x5 , sometimes you need to put the camera down and see the world with both your eyes. And even though my camera wasn't always to my eye, I was seeing the world in photographs. Every moment of the drive, I couldn't look somewhere without thinking what an amazing photograph it would be. And it felt great. I saw this state with both my eyes and remembered the beauty it has. I forgot about it and got a little cynical because I wasn't happy with where I was in my life. But I am back on track and can see the beauty everywhere. There were 3 moments that stand out in my day. ...

Adult daughter: " IQ puzzles. We can see if we have an IQ ." Mother: " I did, but I am sure I don't have one anymore."

Before I would put Sophia to bed at night, we had a long list of things we would do to help her be less scared about sleeping alone. Some were the usual, check for monsters, turn on lights, close doors, play music. Some were more unsual such as put guard stuffed animals by the doors to make sure nothing bad could come in and to turn the switch off behind her ears to stop her from thinking of things like monsters and ghosts and missing her mom and dad. I think I turned the switch off behind my ears too. Except my switches don't stop me from thinking, they stop me from caring. Since the parents came back, I have stopped caring about what they do with or for their kids. I am not sure why or how this happened, it just has. Maybe it was that I realized why they are the way they are, as I wrote about in my previous entry. Or maybe it was because I relinquished all care of the kids to them when they returned and some of the care may have gone with it. I don't know what it is and I don...

As much as I criticize the parents (L & P) that I work for, I know they love their children. And they aren't perfect. I know I won't be a perfect mother, nor do I know any perfect parents. We are human, we all make mistakes. But from this job, I mostly learned all the things I won't do when I have my own kids. I am sure sometimes I will do things wrong, I will even do some of the things I swear I would never do, but there is one thing I will try my hardest to never be and that is a lazy parent. I have concluded that that is what L & P are, lazy parents. They have good intentions, but they cave when things get too hard to deal with. They work long hours, 11 hours a day to be exact. By the time they get home, they are so exhausted that the last thing they want to deal with is whiny kids. They are excited to see them, but aren't ready for the hard things. I was these children's parent or co-parent (when grandmother was here) for 2 weeks. I learned how difficult...

I called my Mom to tell her that the parents are back and that I am responsibility-free in the evenings and weekends again. She didn't answer, but returned my phone call soon after. I told her my news, and she shared with me that she was about to head into the new Target. We are a family of Target-lovers, what's not to love? As she walked in, she said "it's huge." I tried talking to her, but could tell that she was distracted. She started to ask me something, "Did you... you should see the card section, it is like the one in Grand Forks." I, again, tried to change the subject back to what I was talking about. I finally let her go because she needed to finish shopping in there before returning home to watch Lost, throwing in "it has a Starbucks" before we said our goodbyes. A few minutes later my phone rings. It is my Mom again, she called to say "You should see all the food they have. They have a lot of organic food, organic oatmeal and or...

I hate being a mother. When I have my own kids, I am sure I won't hate it and I am actually still looking forward to being one someday. Suprisingly, S is fine, she is not bothering me. It is the little one, the 1 year old (her birthday was last Wednesday). I used to love kids this age, but that was when I wasn't living with one and being with one 24/7. Even when the parents get back in 2 days (THANK GOD!), I still don't think I will enjoy her. I am trying to, I really am. I love that she says words now, such as my name, quack, teddy, etc. I love that she plays peek-a-boo by covering her eyes with her own hands. I love that she is trying to blow kisses. What I hate is that she now wants to be held ALL THE TIME. She grabs onto my legs, looks up at me and whines. That's right, she is whining. I hate whining. Then there are the temper tantrums she is already throwing, she arches her back when you try to pick her up or falls on the floor screaming and kicking. Then there is ...

Here is my new car, a 2001 Ford Focus ZX3. It is manual and gets 28 mpg city, 36 mpg highway. It has about 30,000 miles and has a cd player. And my sister, bdoc, found it quite humorous that in order to sell an American made car, the salesman made it known that it has a foreign engine in it.

I took a break from blogging because my parents were here. It was nice to see them and also to show them around the wonderful city of New York. We only spent two days in the city, but I think we hit the most touristy places, all of which I have seen before but it had been a long time, so it was nice to see them again. One thing I hadn't seen before was Ground Zero. There isn't really much to see, just a big hole in the ground that is filled with big machinery and a construction crew, with fence surrounding it. There was also the old church with damaged headstones dating back to the early 1700s, the fire station Ladder Co. 10 with its memorial and messages written all over the place, including this one. And this wasn't the only one like this, it was one of many. Instead of sadness, I felt more anger when I was there, and not on my part. I felt other's anger. I read other's anger. And why shouldn't they be? The sadness was there too. I can't say I was happy to...

When I applied for this job, I remember applying to be a nanny, not a mother. As if the 62+ waking hours I spend with the kids each week (as opposed to the 36 waking hours their parents spend with them) wasn't enough to qualify me as a mother of sorts, now I am with them every waking moment, as well as every sleeping moment for that matter. I know I agreed to this, but it doesn't make me any less crabby about it. Especially since I slept very little last night. I got S to sleep by herself, but not without tears being shed (by her, not me... although if she wouldn't have gone to sleep, I would have). She missed her parents, understandably. Baby S woke up twice in the middle of the night; the first time I was too tired to get up, so instead I laid there listening to her cry. She only cried for about 10 minutes at a time for about 45-60 minutes. She would take about 10 minute breaks in between, starting to fall asleep and then realizing she didn't want to and then crying a...

You can look at my previous post for the before, these are the after, both straight (when she styled it) and curly, which is how it will usually be. I know you are just getting the back view here, but I don't want strangers to see me, at least until after I am done with the nanny job. If I didn't email you the front and side photos, and you want them (and know me), just let me know! It is pretty drastic since it is longer in the front and short in the back, but I love it straight and am starting to love it curly, it just took a little getting used to! I hope you like it!

Tomorrow's the day. 10 am. My hair will be all gone. I have no idea what it will look like. And I have never been so nervous to cut my hair. I am still not so sure I want to do it, but I will. It will grow back, it is only hair after all. I will post pictures tomorrow.

In 4 days the parents I work for are leaving for Italy. They will be gone for 17 days. Sounds like that would be a great deal, right? Except not. They are taking S with them, the five-year-old. They are leaving Baby S, 1 year in 1 1/2 weeks, with me. That is right, 17 days, just me and a baby. Okay, my parents will be here along with the baby's grandmother (the one I like it) for 6 days of it, but that leaves 11 days all alone with a baby. Talk about feeling like a single mother, I believe it will be a rude awakening. Although, if the baby was actually my own, I probably wouldn't mind it. But as of now, I am think I was nuts when I agreed to this. I had a bad day with Baby S today. She was driving me crazy. Her temper has appeared and she spends the whole day fussing, screaming, hitting and kicking if she doesn't get her way. And her way is to get everything that she isn't suppose to have, of course. Even in the playroom, where there are only toys, she still manages to...

I don't usually post things on my blog that aren't my own words. I know I have put on words from a song, but I don't like to use someone else's writing unless I have a guest blogger. This is a place for my words. But this is too powerful not to post and it is something I would say if I could ever put it so eloquently. So today, I leave you with this video , along with the written words of what is said. I hope all is well in your lives 5 years later. Keith Olberman: "Half a lifetime ago, I worked in this now-empty space. And for 40 days after the attacks, I worked here again, trying to make sense of what happened, and was yet to happen, as a reporter. All the time, I knew that the very air I breathed contained the remains of thousands of people, including four of my friends, two in the planes and -- as I discovered from those "missing posters" seared still into my soul -- two more in the Towers. And I knew too, that this was the pyre for hundreds of New Yo...

I have never been all that attached to my hair. It is there. It gets in my way and usually ends up in a ponytail. I have chopped it off a few times. I have grown it long a few times. I donated it once to Locks-of-Love. In fact, in a little over a week, that is what I am doing again. I am cutting it all off and donating it to Locks-of-Love. My hairstylist doesn't charge for haircuts that are donated. She is stylish and young, only a couple years older than me. She has super cute hair. She was an Environmental Science major and hates Bush. She ended up a hairstylist when she couldn't find any jobs she liked and she now works at an Aveda salon. And for those of you that don't know of Aveda, they do a lot for the environment, which is why she chose to work at one. I have always wanted to tell a hairstylist to cut my hair however they want, to do whatever they want. So I told her that I am giving her free reign. She already had some ideas in mind and they sounded cute. And I hav...

I added a couple of countdown counters to the links on my sidebar. Just thought it would be fun to count these things down. So if you want to count down to the end of the presidency or until I move, check them out!

Brad Pitt is making a difference, not only with the victims of Hurricane Katrina, but also for our environment. Check out this article and a video on the right hand side of the site. It makes me feel good that someone is doing something, and it is someone with a lot of power.

Not only am I counting down Bush's departure as I mentioned in my previous entry, I am living countdowns right now. It's 8 days until one of my best friends comes to visit, 20 until my Mom and Dad visit and 79 until I leave here. I am trying not to focus on these things, trying to live in the moment, but sometimes it is hard when I am so looking forward to all of these occasions. But I am not forgetting to enjoy my time with the girls. Today was a rough day with Baby S, she was having a bad day. She woke up after a half hour of napping (she usually takes a minimum 1 hr. 15 min. naps) and decided to cry for over a half hour, I never did figure out why. When I finally got her to stop crying by rocking and singing to her (with her beautiful grayish-green eyes looking into my eyes), she made it very clear not to touch her or talk to her by crying or grunting if I did so. I kept reminding myself to take deep breaths, that she is only a baby and that I have limited time with her. It ...

I have a bone to pick about our president (shocker, I know!). As I am sure most of you know, it is one year today since Hurricane Katrina hit. One year. Our "leader" is down there today. Somehow he thinks this will make things better. I hope he got an unfriendly welcome, I don't doubt that he did. I don't understand how it can still look like this one year later (check out other photos here). We can send aid to other countries, get in their battles (and in some cases, I am not saying we shouldn't), but we can leave our own country looking like a war zone for a year, with claims that all is being done that can be done. Bush is an ass. I can't believe that he is our president, I can't believe he ever was. He doesn't want to leave any child behind, but he can leave a whole country behind. For him it is half a step forward, 2,000 steps back. And children are still being left behind too, the lowest SATs scores in 30 years will prove that. I have no faith...

I leave here in 83 sleeps!!! That's all I got.

Finally, it feels real. It feels like I am really going home. I told them that I have to turn down their offer. I also wrote them a long letter explaining how much I appreciate all they have done for me and how much I will miss them and their kids. L hugged me just because I gave her a letter. I will especially miss her, she was my only adult to talk to here and she never made me feel like I wasn't good enough. I gave them an exact date I want to be done by, Friday, November 17th. I will then leave on Saturday to drive back. I really am going home. Here are a few words Mr. Michael Buble sings best, but explains how I feel: "Maybe surrounded by A million people I still feel all alone I just wanna go home." " I’m lucky I know But I wanna go home I’ve got to go home." "Let me go home 'Cause I’m just too far from where you are I wanna come home." "And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life It’s like I just stepped outside When everything...

They asked me to stay. Again. They told me that they know it is not about money, but they offered me a $50 raise per week. They said if I could just stay until next summer, then his parents will be up here and they will watch the kids. I told her I would think about it. But I don't need to think about it. I know what I want, I want to go back home. I want my friends. I want my family. But why did they have to do this? Don't they know how hard it was for me in the first place? I get emotionally attached to cars and trees and blankets and stuffed animals, how can they not know how attached I am to the kids? But the truth is, they don't know much about me. They don't know how depressed I am. They don't know why I can't sleep at night. They don't know that not one, but two doctors told me they are worried about my mental health because I am working too many hours and am far from home. They don't know how I put my whole life on hold for them, to raise their g...

I have had a sore throat for over 2 weeks, often accompanied by bad headaches. It wasn't so bad that I couldn't stand it, I could still eat and function. And last week I wasn't feeling it so much because I was taking so many pain killers for excruciating cramps that I wouldn't have felt much other pain. Then last night my throat hurt so bad that it actually woke me up 3 times in the middle of the night. So today I decided to go to the doctor. It took a lot for me to do decide to go because I don't have health insurance and I am trying to get rid of as much of my debt as possible before I leave, as well as needing to buy a car. So the pain has to be pretty bad for me to cave. And then the doctor tells me what I could have diagnosed myself, "It must be a virus because your quick strep test is negative." I paid $105 dollars to hear that and that isn't including the 2 strep tests they do (one quick, one that is sent off). She asks if I have been taking any...

My work day ended early today, at 3 pm. The family, along with the grandparents, went to Long Island for the brother's engagement party/reception (they are getting married in Italy). They offered for me to go along this weekend, but I turned it down, thinking of how great it would be to have the place to myself for a weekend. I enjoyed it during the day, eating dinner while watching television in the family room, with no worries about being "caught" in a room that is supposed to have no food. Now, it is night and suddenly I am not enjoying it as much. This house is 5700 sq. ft. and 3 floors, that is a lot of hiding places for the boogie man. So for the next couple nights, the environmentalist is being an energy glutton. I turned on 4 lights on the main floor, 2 on the second floor, and one on across the hall from my room, along with the 2 night-lights in my room. Why so many? Did you read the part about 5700 sq. ft.? That is a lot of house, I need lights on so I can get f...

I want to hear what you think I should do on this issue. I think most are on agreement that a baby first words and their first steps are the 2 biggest milestones they will make. Baby S started walking today. She has taken one step in front of me and her parents before. At first today, she was taking 3 steps. I figured I wouldn't tell her parents and they could discover it on their own. Three steps really isn't that much. Then she started taking more, 4 one time, then 10 steps, then 3, then 4, then 10, then 13, at which point she was getting frustrated with me because I kept backing up whenever she would get to me, so we quit (and I wasn't letting her have the pen she was really after). So, do I tell the parents? These were really her first steps, the ones that the parents are going to put in her baby book. And it is a lot of steps to simply not tell them. I was the one to see her first time sitting up and her first time crawling, the first time waving, clapping, shaking he...

My day was okay yesterday (except for the excruciating pain I was in for most of the day), but my evening and night sucked. First, L tells me that P's parents (the dreaded grandparents) are coming today. Fine, they won't be here until really late, so I only need to put up with them until around 3 pm tomorrow, when they will take Baby S with them and my work day will be done early. The problem, however, is that they don't know I am leaving. I am not sure how to work this, do I pretend I am not leaving and act normal? That could only blow up in my face when they find out, acting pissy to me because I didn't tell them when I saw them (but I may never see them again after this, so this may be the best option). Or, I can be an adult and tell them I am leaving. They do love me, so maybe it would be nice to hear it from me. Or, P may tell them today so they know before they get here, which means they could be even more unbearable and harder to put up with because they don'...

Last night I met the girl that will potentially be the girls' new nanny. I didn't want to like her for obvious reasons. Even though I met her for only a minute, my gut tells me I can like her and trust her. She was very nice and really seemed interested in the girls, trying to talk with S and make her smile. She wasn't uncomfortable with the girls or with the parents or with meeting me. She doesn't speak English very well, but you can understand her. And she is able to understand things when explained to her, which is most important, especially since I will to spend a week training her. She is unsure if she wants to wait until the end of October to start working, so she is going to let the parents know this week sometime. But whether or not she takes it isn't the only thing she needs to worry about. The father (P) doesn't really like her. He is hard to please and he doesn't like very many people, so I take it as a compliment that he likes me. He claims that ...

When I gave the parents a little more than 3 months to find someone new, I figured that was how much time they would need. I think that I also needed 3 months to be ready for this. They may have already found someone else. Last night the mom (L) met with a woman from Brazil that already lives in the area with family. And she already met the girls and loved them. L said that she is very nice and that S liked her. The woman has another interview tomorrow and will let L know in the next week if she wants the job. I must admit, for selfish reasons, I kind of hope she turns it down. The main reason is that she wants to start the job as soon as possible. L told her that it wouldn't be at least until October, but still. That is a whole month or more before I was planning on leaving and that freaks me out. I am not ready for this. I still have so many things to do, pay off at least one credit card, buy a car, find a job, pack, make the girls a scrapbook. Those are just physical things, but...

Before even reading the article that goes along with this, I was laughing my ass off. Bush a conservationist? Yeah, and I am a republican. He thinks that because he drives hybrid and solar-powered cars and his home has solar panels and his ranch has some protected land, suddenly he is an enivronmentalist. Don't get me wrong, the fact that he does this is wonderful. But doing these things doesn't make up for all the other things he has done wrong. I would provide a list of his environmental faults, but they are too numerous to list or even count. I mean, this is the man that thought global warming didn't exist and now has only changed his view to believing it exists, but that more research needs to be done before we change our ways of living. I am long from calling Bush an environmentalist or even a conservationist, but if he wants to think that he is so he can sleep at night, feel free. Most of us know better.

"I need to talk to you about something." "Okay" with her eyes getting big. "You are not in trouble, it is not about you, it is about me." "Okay." "I am going to move back home to live with my sister. This has nothing to do with you, and I am not leaving because you were bad or because I don't like you and watching you. I like watching you and playing with you and [baby S], but it is time for me to go back to my family." "Why?" she asks with sad eyes. "Because I miss my family. If you had to be away from your mom and dad and sister for as long as I have, would you miss them?" "Yes." "I miss my sisters and my mom and dad. And you get to see your aunt and uncle and your grandparents and I never get to see mine because I am far away and I miss them too." "And your dog?" "Yes, and I miss my dog. You need to know that you are smart and beautiful and such a fun little girl and I will m...

Maybe telling the parents was the easy part. Tonight I am going to tell S that I am leaving. I feel sorry for her. I am her fourth nanny in her 5 1/2 year life. All she knows at this point is that people leave her. I used to see the upside of a child having a nanny, and there still are plenty upsides, but the downside is much more prominent in her life. Nannies will always leave. At a daycare or school, the kids leave and sometimes the teachers, but there is the buffer of having other children and other teachers that are consistently there. Here, it is just me. No one to buffer her pain. Sure, there are her parents, but even at 5, it is a given to her that they will always be there and she loves them, but at this age, it is always exciting to have that other person there. And I am leaving. I must say I feel a little guilty. Not enough to make me stay or to make me regret my decision, but still a little. She will go back to a stranger living in her house and taking care of her. I think ...

It is done. I had a feeling when I emailed the mother this morning that she would email or call me about it later. When the phone rang, I thought "Please don't be L." And it was. We talked about the questions I had about school for S in a few weeks. Then she said, in a tone as if she already knew the answer, "Is that all you wanted to talk about?" I told her then that I made my decision for the next year and asked if she wanted me to tell her then on the phone or talk to both of them later. She said to tell her now, then we could discuss it more later. I told her I decided to go live with my sister. I told her that I felt like I was quitting a family, not a job. I told her that if I could work for them and live near my family, I would. She expected it. You could tell that she built up for this response. She said that they would love for me to stay, but that she completely understood, saying she is not sure she could be so far away from family (she is only 4.5 ho...

Tonight REALLY is the night, I already set the ball rolling. I emailed the mother at work and told her I wanted to talk when she gets home from work tonight. I will keep you posted on how it turns out.

I don't know how to do this. I hated quitting all my other jobs, even if I didn't like them and those were regular jobs. This is like quitting a family. Not my family and I don't feel like they are family, but they feel like I am. The grandmother is here visiting (her mother, not his whom I don't care for) and she told me today that I have a way with S that no one else has, not even her parents. She said that she tried for 15 minutes to get S to eat her banana when they were outside together and I was inside with the baby, and she refused. All I did was come outside, told her to eat it and she said okay and it was gone in a few minutes. After hearing that, how am I supposed to talk to them and tell them I am quitting their family, I am leaving their kids that I love as if they were my own, and walk away? Don't get me wrong, I want to leave this job more and more everyday. I don't enjoy it anymore. I am bored, I don't feel challenged. I feel like I put my lif...

All week I have made some attempt to tell the parents I am leaving. It started on Tuesday, all night I tried to tell them, but everytime I was about to bring it up, one of the parents would leave the room or the baby got hurt, etc. Wednesday, I made plans to go to the neighbors when the parents got home, but I made an attempt to tell them anyway, but S was glued to my side. I kept trying to distract her with food and television, but no go. I could have just said "I need to talk to you parents, go away", but I know her well enough to know that would have only peaked her interest and she would never go away. Last night, I was SO ready to tell them. The father asked me to watch the girls for 15 minutes while he weed-whacked the yard. I said sure, thinking the mother should be home any minute and then I could tell her when he is outside (I decided that if I can't tell them both at the same time, I will tell the mother alone). I waited and waited and waited. Not only was it 8 ...

I just saw a commercial for Oscar Meyer's new "Fast Franks". The hotdogs already come in a bun and you warm them up in the microwave. Some may call this convenience, I call it laziness. In a country where we can't make the effort to take a bun from a plastic bag, open it and place the hotdog in it, we wonder why we have an obesity problem.

Tonight's the night. I am going to tell the parents I am leaving. That is, if I don't chicken out. I was going to do it last night, but the father came home saying "I am in a bad mood, I am so tired." I took that as a sign that last night wasn't the night. Hopefully I don't lose my nerve tonight. I am not so much nervous about telling them I am leaving, to be honest, I think they already know. For one thing, I told them when they asked me to stay that I wanted to go live with my sister but was still thinking about it and the mother has pointed out that she can see how strong my bond is with my sisters, so she has to suspect that I am going to leave. The hard part is knowing what to say. I replay it over and over and I can't decide on a time to tell them I am leaving. First it was December 15th, then it was November 3rd, then I decided to give them a range of Nov. 3rd-Dec.15th and let them choose the best time for them but emphasize on the sooner, the bette...

I was always a bit skeptic of this phrase. How can being away from a person make you fonder? With time, you will slowly start to forget the sound of their laughter and the scent of their hair. You will forget the way they dance and the way they like their toast. Sure, when you see them again, when they laugh or dance, all those things come rushing back. Being away may make you yearn for them, but you no longer know them as well as you used to. At least that is what I used to think. I should have know this phrase was true since whenever I would see my sisters again, it was like no time had passed. I don't know what it was that made me realize all that I took for granted, maybe it is being away from home for so long or my travel mishaps or my friend's car accident or maybe just that I am getting older, something made me see how I took everything for granted in my life before I came here. It was so easy, I could go up the stairs or across the hall or get in my car and spend a day ...